Hell is...

Remember the 70s cartoon "Love is..."? It was a one-panel cartoon in which a naked cartoon couple would demonstrate examples of what "love is." (Not as naughty -- or as fun -- as it sounds). Love is... wanting to give her the moon and the stars; a feeling to treasure; and so on.

If I was a better cartoonist, or at least better at Photoshop, (or just plain had the time), I would create my own series of cartoons called "Hell is..." But for now, I'll just settle for what some of the captions would be.

Hell is...

... A husband who takes several 3-day business trips in one month, leaving you at home alone with a toddler and an infant for unassisted 72-hour stretches.

... An infant who wants to nurse every hour (can you say "growth spurt?").

... A toddler who refuses to eat dinner, and even though you say "Fine, go hungry," he whines from 6 p.m. to 9 p.m. about not wanting to eat it.

... Eating absolutely nothing for twelve hours because you have an infant who refuses to be put down (or nap) for longer than three minutes at a stretch during the day.

... A toddler who whines, and later screams, the phrase "I don't wanna go to sleep!" repeatedly from 9 p.m. to 10:45 p.m.

... Bringing your toddler into bed with you out of abject fear that he wake the baby when he wakes screaming at 2 a.m.

... A toddler who incessantly whines "I want a snaaaaack... Pleeease? I want a snaaaaack... Pleeease? " in your ear at 2:30 a.m. (because he skipped dinner) until you finally get out of bed again in an effort to save you sanity.

... Sharing your bed with a toddler who sleeps in such a way that it seems like you are sharing your bed with the entire cast of The Nutcracker. While they perform.

... A toddler who won't stop talking to you while you lie in bed nursing the baby and trying to sleep at 5 a.m.

... A toddler who insists on sitting on your lap while you pump at 5:30 a.m.

... Six a.m. Good morning, world! Time to start the day!


The sleep and food deprivation I have endured over the past three days make me think that the Monkeyboy aspires to a position of power at Abu Ghraib. He's just honing his skills on me.