Can We Talk About the Didgeridoo?

If you've been paying attention, you may have noticed that I updated my Current iPod Playlist in the Sidebar. When I whipped together this playlist, I added Dar Williams' "As Cool As I Am," but didn't stop to wonder whether I should add the live version from Out There Live or the studio version from Mortal City. The Hubster and I picked up Mortal City when we saw her live last month, and I've only had a chance to listen to it once.

So today as the Monkeyboy and I were making a shopping trip (cut short by his crabbiness due to a cold), I listened to my new playlist. The version that made the list was the studio version and I have to say that I prefer the live version. (In fact, I find I prefer the live version of many of her songs, probably because she's got that acoustic/singer-songwriter thing going). The studio version is more up-tempo and I feel that causes the lyrics to lose some of their "reflective" mood. But the true deal breaker for me was the didgeridoo.

Dar Williams – As Cool As I Am

I remember now when the Hubster and I played the CD on the way home from the show that we both exclaimed in surprise when we heard it. We were intrigued. In fact, although we laughed about it, we decided we were impressed that someone could effectively use one in an American folk song.

But now as I listen to it again, I just find it distracting. (It sounds a lot louder in my car than it does on that embeded version). It doesn't mean that I dislike it; it just means that I prefer the version that's just Dar and the guitar.*

*And yes, I know that rhymes. Not intentional.

Edited to correct: Upon a comparison listening of the two songs (not basing my opinion on just my memory), I realize that the version on Out There Live is also an up-tempo version with more instruments than just an acoustic guitar (no didgeridoo, though). And now I'm torn between the two versions. I don't know if my memory of an acoustic version was based on seeing her live this summer, or what. Blame it on pregnancy brain...

Together Again

My work friend C, who was also trying to concieve, has been successful! Last night around 6:45 p.m., I got a text message from her that said: I think I'm pregnant! Very faint line but def there! I was so excited I got chills.

We were pregnant together the first time, and we were both trying this summer, but we were both worried that one of us would be successful and one wouldn't. I personally thought it would be her, since she's ten years younger than me and only took three months to concieve her daughter. But then this cycle (which was to be her last try until next spring, because she can't afford to take time off during the school year), she thought her timing was off and she had missed her chance. She didn't even tell me she was going to test, but last night she was in Walmart and the tests just called out to her.

I'm praying that this goes well for both of us. I have such a hard time not worrying, especially in the beginning. I can't believe our good fortune that this baby is planned to coincide perfectly with the school year. I keep expecting something to take that away from us. I need to hear a heartbeat, but my first prenatal appointment isn't until the end of October. Once that happens, I'll worry until my amnio at 16 weeks. Then I'll worry until 24 weeks, when the baby is viable. Then I'll worry until delivery.

I asked the Hubster what he thought about renting or buying a doppler this time, and he said, "I have a better idea; why don't I just yell really loudly at your uterus every night?" Okay, I understand his feelings... but he didn't have to be so sarcastic about it.

Obsessing on hCG levels

From Babymed.

Repeat beta

Repeat beta was 295 at 14 dpo. Wow! I will say no more on the subject of multiples, other than I am still above the median beta for both singleton (118) and multiples (210) as of 14 dpo. Progesterone was 272 at 12dpo and 420 at 14dpo, but my doctor still wants me to stay on the Prochieve until I am eight weeks.

On a related note, I tried a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor stick in a Clearblue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test last night as an experiment. It said "pregnant." Now, I don't know if it would give a false positive if you weren't pregnant (the sticks are meant to pick up LH and Estrogen, and LH is a near twin of hCG) but it won't give a false negative. It also saved me ten bucks from not having to buy a digital to have a picture for the baby book.

Beta, beta... Saaa-wing, beta!*

My first beta came back at 91 at 12dpo. According to Betabase, that's slightly above average, so I felt pretty good about it. After I talked to the doctor's office, I texted the Hubster.

Me: My beta hcg level was 91 at 12dpo. That's good. If you want more info, try betabase.info
Hubster: (obviously after consulting Betabase) It's nice to see that your level is firmly in the multiples range, too.
Me: I've heard that a high beta doesn't necessarily mean multiples.
Hubster: On the charts, levels for multiples were higher than for singles. And yours was above the median for both, but within the range for both.

What I didn't tell him is that a high hcg level can also indicate a molar pregnancy or down's syndrome. I'm not jumping to any conclusions. I'm going to wait until the repeat comes back before I freak out about anything. I know you can't base anything on a single beta result.

Today after work, I rush to get to the hospital lab before it closes so I can have my second beta done.

*Okay, who's tired of the cheesy puns already?

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!*

I was every bit as shocked yesterday when I got a positive home pregnancy test at 12 dpo as I was when I got one at 12dpo with the Monkeyboy. I've been so superstitious this cycle, I didn't even have a "good" test in the house, so I tested with a Dollar Store test and an internet cheapie strip. The Dollar Store test looked just like it did with the Monkeyboy! The cheapie did, too!

So I took a sick day and went to get a quantitative blood test (beta), which I will repeat tomorrow to make sure it's doubling. I also bought a "real" test, an Answer Early, and got a nice, dark line. Of course, I'm sure I will test frequently this week until I get my betas back.

Already, though, this feels different than July when I had the early miscarriage. This feels just like it did with the Monkey. Sore breasts, mild crampiness, exhaustion, the powerful-sense-of-smell (my pregnancy superpower), a little very mild nausea (I never had morning sickness last time, just mild nausea when my stomach was empty).

My due date is May 28. Even if this baby comes early (like the Monkeyboy), it's still perfect timing for a teacher. I got my wish! (In more ways than one).

*You know in your mind you heard Gomer Pyle say that!

No News is Good News

There are a lot of cutesy acronyms and expression used on message boards for women trying to conceive. Baby dust, sticky vibes... I don't know that I've ever used any of them. I stick to the acronyms that are merely practical: TTC (trying to conceive), CD (cycle day), DPO (days past ovulation), CBEFM (Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor). These save me time from having to write out the long words. Practical.

In fact, one of the cutesy ones has never made sense to me: PUPO. Pregnant until proven otherwise. It just seemed like the height of denial to think that way. Women would use that expression and I'd put them in the same category as women who analyze possible pregnancy symptoms at 2 DPO. That's a nice fantasy world you live in, Darlin'. (Or, as Fraser Crane once asked of Cliff Claven, "I wonder... what color is the sky in your world, Cliff?"). I just couldn't understand that kind of thinking.

Until this cycle. In every medicated cycle, because I take progesterone, I have to test at some point. Because if I'm not pregnant, I have to stop the progesterone so I can get my period and be on to the next cycle. So for my first three cycles of Clomid, I've tested. Every month my doctor has sent me for a progesterone check and quantitative hCG. I've also tested at home first, though. Based on the fact that somehow there are a lot of crazy women on my message boards that get positives at 8 and 9 DPO, I've started testing at 8 or 9 DPO. And I've tested every day (sometimes twice a day, I'm embarassed to admit) up through day 13, 14, and sometimes 15, through when I stopped progesterone and my period eventually came.

This month I don't want to test. Last month my doctor's secretary forgot to send me the prescription for my bloodwork, so I called and she told me I could pick on up on my way to the lab. This month again, I again have no prescription, but I didn't call to ask for one. And I'm not yet going to take a home pregnancy test. I don't want to face stark white negative after negative. I want to live with the illusion that maybe, it's possible, it could be that this time it worked. If I don't test, I have nothing to contradict that assumption. I'm pregnant until proven otherwise.

So I finally understand what those women are talking about. Just like me, they realize that there are only a few days each cycle when hope is alive. There are only a few peaceful days when I'm not taking a medication, or testing and waiting for ovulation, or scheduling reproductive sex, or taking pregnancy tests. It's nice to treasure those days, preserve it for as long as possible.

Today I am 9 DPO. I am going to try to resist testing until Monday morning, when I'll be 12 DPO. By that time I can be fairly certain of whatever result I get. If it's negative, I'll test again at 13 DPO and then stop my progesterone. And be on to the next cycle.

I also (finally!) called today and made an appointment with the RE for October 9.

6DPO

Six days past ovulation. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard not to. I'll have an idea by this weekend if this cycle is a success.

Today I gave my work friend C a few supplies: a tube of Pre-Seed, a packet of Pre, six OPKs and what I had left of a bottle of EPO. This may be her last cycle TTC until next summer. She told me after her last cycle failed that this time she wasn't going to get all worked up this cycle, worry about it, test, or anything. And then I have to go, like the drug dealer I am, and bring her all the tools of obsession. (Last cycle I brought her cheapie HPTs to test with, too.)

Over the weekend, my friend H told me about a baby girl she knew about that might be available for adoption. The Hubster and I haven't discussed adoption since we were trying to get pregnant the first time, three years ago. At that point we had decided that if we weren't pregnant by a certain month, we'd start the adoption process. We had decided against IVF, since we had limited money and it was no guarantee (I know too many women who've paid thousands for no success). My sister-in-law had done IVF unsuccessfully and was pursuing adoption when she -- like all those stories we hear -- got pregnant with her miracle baby naturally (to be followed by another miracle baby two and a half years later). But I asked her opinion on all of it and she said if she had it to do over again, she would've gone straight to adoption. In her words, "Pregnancy lasts nine months, Motherhood is forever." She said that she assessed her goals and realized that parenting, not gestating, was what it was all about. And adoption is a lot closer to a guarantee of parenthood than IVF, especially if you are spending the same money.

We pursued information about this little girl for about a day, as we decided that we were very interested in her. What we discovered is that the situation is very complicated. The little girl (about 18 months old) has an infant brother who is in the process of being adopted by a couple who are also interested in adopting the little girl. Their father, who put them both into foster care, never bonded with the little boy, as he was a newborn when he was put into foster care, but did bond with the little girl. Right now the adoptive family is waiting for the boy's adoption to be finalized before they pursue the little girl, because they're worried that -- due some sketchy behavior on the part of the birth father -- both adoptions could end up canceled if they don't set the course appropriately. I hope it works out for them, because I think that the siblings should be together.

But it made me realize that even though we already have a biological child, we're still open to the idea of adoption. I have been thinking about it recently, but wondering what it would be like to have a family that was blended like that. (What I really should be thinking is, Duh, Jen, The Hubster has an adopted sister you've known for over twenty years, since she was a child. What's that like?). Sometimes I just can't see the forest for the trees.

Risk

Here's something I didn't know. The risk of multiple births is higher from IUI than it is from IVF, mainly because IVF allows more control over how many eggs are fertilized and transfered.

Scary.

Ambivalence

Call it a defense mechanism, but I'm starting to feel the same low-level ambivalence that I felt earlier this spring when we started to try for baby #2. At the time I think I was trying to protect myself against the stress that I knew was coming. The sense of urgency, the long waits, the feeling of failure, the inevitable depression.

I told myself that it might be better to quit while I was ahead. I have a healthy son and, since I'm getting older, that might not happen again. I also didn't suffer much "damage" from my pregnancy. I escaped stretch marks (the Monkey was six weeks early and I've heard that most stretch marks come in the last month). My breast are a little less perky, but I'm hoping to be able to lift them once I'm done with kids. If I never got pregnant again, I could fix them that much earlier. We are struggling to try to get the modifications done to the house sooner rather than later in case we have another baby. If we didn't have another, we could take our time with those projects.

Then I pushed all those thoughts away. I've always thought that I would have kids (plural). I have many misgivings about only children (based on a mother and three close friends that are only children). I think that it would be lonely and burdensome to be an only child. (This is only my opinion. Your mileage may vary). So we forged ahead with the fertility treatment.

Since then, more recent events have made me again start thinking that maybe just one kid wouldn't be the worst life development ever:

The first cycle of Clomid didn't work. Or the second (well, not really). Or the third. Now I'm on my fourth and facing making an appointment with an RE and spending money we don't have to conceive a child (you know, that thing that most other people get to do for free).

Toward the end of this summer, a woman who was about my age, who had a child that was about the Monkeyboy's age, who was a member of Fertility Friend (my online charting program and message board), died while giving birth to baby #2. (The baby surivived.) This had the Holy Shit! effect on me. Apparently she had a very rare complication, an amniotic embolism. Yes, it's very rare, but still... it gave me pause.

Just yesterday, one of my friends at work, Y, asked if the Hubster and I wanted to put together a team with him for the 24 Hour Championship Challenge next August. I would've been the token chick on the team so they could compete in the 5-person Co-ed category. I haven't done a mountain bike race since I did the 24 Hours of Snowshoe back in 2001. But since I don't know where I'll be in terms of fertility treatment/pregnancy/post-birth infant-care & breastfeeding, I can't commit. They have to enter as a 4-man Sport team (they can't even enter as a vet/master team, because Y won't be 35 yet (as the Hubster put it, "Damn kid!").

My sister-in-law is obsessed with the house we stayed in at the Outer Banks this summer and wants to try to get together a group of families to rent it again next summer. The $100 per month that we'd have to put away to be able to do that is just not possible with the chance of having to pay out-of-pocket for more advanced fertility treatments. And even if we could afford it, just like with the mountian bike race, I don't know where I'll be in the Baby #2 process. I'd love to be one of those women that says "I'm not going to schedule my life around this" but at my age, it's what I have to do.

Deep down I still want another baby. I think that this ambivalence -- this pretended ambivalence -- really is a defense mechanism. The proverbial sour grapes.

Lyrically Speaking

Jennifer Juniper, hair of golden flax
Jennifer Juniper, longs for what she lacks
Do you like her? Yes, I do, sir.
Would you love her? Yes, I would, sir.
What'cha doin', Jennifer my love?

-- Donovan, "Jennifer Juniper," The Hurdy Gurdy Man (1968)

Peak!

There are many places where I've read that you might not get a peak the first month using a fertility monitor, because the monitor needs to learn your cycles. However, this morning I got a peak reading (backed up by a very positive OPK, done at 5:00 a.m. to boot).

Even if I hadn't gotten a peak, though, I think I would have known that this was it. I've had pretty serious ovulation pain these past few months on Clomid. This month is no exception. It has me curious as to whether that's all it is, simple ovulation pain, or whether it could signal something else, like an ovarian cyst. (I'm sure I'll be consulting Dr. Google before too long.)

I still haven't called the RE to make an appointment, but I also need to call the vet and the dentist to make appointments that are completely unrelated to my fertility (one would hope!), so I think it's just general procrastination and not some other subconscious impulse.