Wee N' Weigh

Today was my first prenatal appointment. I'm 9 weeks 5 days. I knew it would be the usual pee-in-a-cup, get weighed, give an updated medical history, use the doppler and go have seven hundred vials of blood drawn first appointment. My main concern was that if we didn't hear the heartbeat on the doppler, I might have to wait another month for my next appointment to confirm this pregnancy. This would be stressful in and of itself, but we were planning on announcing this pregnancy soon (as I'm starting to show), and that would mean four more weeks of trying to hide my expanding waist (and enlarging bra size).

My appointment was with the PA (who I need a cute pseudonym for, since I see her often -- I'll think about it). All went as expected (although I've gained four pounds already), even when she told me, "Don't panic if we can't find the heartbeat. It's still very early and you have an retroverted uterus, which can make it even harder to find it." My response was, "I'm just warning you that I am probably going to panic if we don't hear it, because I've been worrying about this pregnancy since before it started."

Then, of course, they couldn't find it.

The PA had a student with her, so the student ran the doppler across my lower abdomen (okay, pushed it hard against my lower abdomen), while the PA tried to move my uterus up and forward (Uh... she did this internally, for those of you who can't figure out how she'd do that). No dice.

Finally, the PA said, "I'm just going to send you for an ultrasound." And aren't those the words that any infertile wants to hear? (Well, they're on the list of words, at least).

In contrast to the office staff of just about every other health care provider I have, the staff at my OB's office is incredibly nice and accomodating. The office manager called and had the ultrasound place fit me in right away, as soon as I could get there.

The upshot: There's only one baby, it had a heartbeat, and it measures according to date. And it looks a little like Gorignak, the rock monster from Galaxy Quest.

Procrastination/Irony

Instead of updating my own blog, I've been visiting the blogs I read and feeling irritated that they haven't been updated. Yeah. Umm, okay... that makes sense.

So, in a effort to update my own blog, I thought a short, topic-specific blogroll was in order. Here is my list of Spring Due Dates Blogs -- April, May and June* -- that I check up on (in no particular order):

Murphy is a Bastard

The Vicious Cycle of Cycles

Vacant Womb - No Vacancy!

Tales From My Dusty Ovaries

Uterus x2

Life as a Sandwich

Our Dance With Infertility

That Was the Plan

Waiting on Two Pink Lines

Just When I Thought I Had It All

Conflicted

Flotsam

Baby Twiglet

Infertility Loss... and Life

Just when I thought I had it all

Having Faith

Topcat

Fatty Pants

Mrs. Ca

Southern Comfort

Mrs. Spock

Strings and Sealing Wax and Other Fancy Stuff

slackermama

Just Relax and Try Again

A Single Woman's Journey to Motherhood

Infertility Sucks!

Still Passing Open Windows...

Slaying, Blogging, Whatever...

Mommin' It Up!

fun. crazy. life.

Digital Negatives

Healing Arts

Corrie Haffly

Baby Anderson

Anna's Parapraxis

Life Thru IVF #2

Mama Loves Papa

Mom? Me?

Crossrhodes

Jen's Belly Blog

Baby Island

Chicky Chicky Baby

misszoot

Waiting for Another

A Tale of Two Mamas

Adventures in Parenting

jumping out of trees

Mommies in the making

Nothing Heavy

RaJenCreation

Waiting on Two Pink Lines

Jen's Belly Blog

Beaten but not bowed

Life on a Back Road

The Razzberry

The Sawyer Saga

Are we there yet?

Thwarted Repeatedly

It's Taking a Village

Smart As Allison

The Baby Bug

The crazy life of Jodie

I Don't Want Sextuplets

Angela's Daily Struggle

Teatopia

we are fambly

What to Expect When You're NOT Expecting

At This Point, I'll Take an Evap - (Nevermind, not anymore!)

This list was complied by my own searching and blogrolls of other blogs I read, as well as some help from Babes in Blogland and The Stirrup Queen's famous blogroll.

Note: I'll be back later to add links to those who don't have them. Some of these are saved on my favorites on my home computer and the stupid firewall here at work blocks Babes in Blogland because it thinks it's por(no)graphy.

UPDATE COMPLETE!

*And, no, not that April, May and June!

What I got*

Of all the things I dreaded or outright feared when I was pregnant the first time, it was often a surprise what I got and what I didn't get.

What I feared, but didn't get:

• Morning Sickness
• Stretch Marks (Maybe because the Monkey came six weeks early?)
• Placenta Previa (I started with a low placenta, so this was a concern)
• Gestational Diabetes
• Pre-eclampsia
• Breech presentation
  
• Hemorrhoids
• Postpartum Depression

What I got instead:

• Swollen feet (up a whole size!)
• Sciatic nerve pain
• Carpal Tunnel
• Ulnar Neuropathy
• Bell's Palsy
• Restless Leg Syndrome
• Premature birth

My friend H2, who also happens to be my general practitioner, jokes with me about how I got all the "weird" stuff. Yes, if pregnancy could take a strange turn, that was me. Of course, I did things like call her at home on a Saturday morning to tell her I thought I had diagnosed myself, over the internet (and she hates Dr. Google!), with Bell's Palsy. Which I had.

What will it be this time around? Stay tuned to find out.


*Not the answer to the famous question, "What'dya get?" which we all know is "I didn't get nothing... I had to pay fifty dollars and pick up the garbage."

They should start playing the lottery

"It won't take much for Jenna and William Cotton to remember the birthday of the newest member of their family. Daughter Kayla was born Tuesday, which was Oct. 2 — the same date her brothers were born on. Ayden Cotton arrived on Oct. 2, 2003; Logan was born Oct. 2, 2006."

"The odds of a family having three children born on the same date in different years are about 7.5 in 1 million, said Bill Notz, a statistics professor at Ohio State University."

Couple gives birth to third Oct. 2 baby

I have tried to like Wilco

I got an email newsletter recently from one of the many local music venues informing me that Wilco is coming to do a show and I can't miss it. They seem like an obvious fit for me. I have eclectic taste. I like lots of indie artists. I like the Folk scene. I like Alt-Country. I listen to Ryan Adams, Whiskeytown, Old 97's, Rhett Miller, etc, etc. Why not Wilco?

I memoed Wilco on Sirius many months ago, so I could familiarize myself with them and maybe pick an album or two to get. Maybe the issue is that Sirius tends to get stuck in a groove and then will play only the same one or two songs of certain artists. (I took the Indigo Girls off memo because all Sirius ever played was "Galileo.") But none of the Wilco songs I heard struck me. Not stayed with me. I was underwhelmed.

Then last night on an episode of The Bionic Woman, the soundtrack included the song "What Light," which I immediately identified. I liked it a lot better as the backdrop for the scene than I had the times I've heard it on the radio. So now I'm wondering if I could come to like Wilco.

Bumpwatch 2007

Six weeks pregnant today, but already I'm starting to get a belly. It's just a little one, and not enough that anyone would really notice if they didn't know what to look for. However, I'm genetically blessed to have a flat stomach by nature (I've got other faults, so simmer down), and that makes it easy for me to notice that I can no longer even suck my stomach flat.

During my first pregnancy, I was able to hide it until into the second trimester. Superstitious by nature, we wanted to keep it secret until we heard the heartbeat (which we are also doing this time). But even then, I kept not wanting to tell people. I was probably fourteen weeks pregnant when we went out on our friends' boat with a group of people. What tipped the women off wasn't seeing my pregnant belly in a swimsuit -- you could still barely tell -- it was that I wasn't drinking beer and that my breasts had gotten noticeably larger. The school year had ended right at 12 weeks. I was just starting to have to do the rubber band trick on my jeans. I told only a very few friends on the last day of school and as a result, everyone else was shocked when I showed up three months later with a gigantic 25 week belly.

This time however, I'm concerned that I won't be able to hide it until the end of the first trimester. My first appointment isn't until ten weeks, so that's my first goal. I'd just like to get that confirmation before people at work start noticing. I work with mostly women and they seem to be pretty sharp about that sort of thing.

In the morning, my waist looks almost normal, but by evening, I'm very bloated. I'm glad I started to take belly pictures at four weeks. It will be interesting to see the progression.

Can We Talk About the Didgeridoo?

If you've been paying attention, you may have noticed that I updated my Current iPod Playlist in the Sidebar. When I whipped together this playlist, I added Dar Williams' "As Cool As I Am," but didn't stop to wonder whether I should add the live version from Out There Live or the studio version from Mortal City. The Hubster and I picked up Mortal City when we saw her live last month, and I've only had a chance to listen to it once.

So today as the Monkeyboy and I were making a shopping trip (cut short by his crabbiness due to a cold), I listened to my new playlist. The version that made the list was the studio version and I have to say that I prefer the live version. (In fact, I find I prefer the live version of many of her songs, probably because she's got that acoustic/singer-songwriter thing going). The studio version is more up-tempo and I feel that causes the lyrics to lose some of their "reflective" mood. But the true deal breaker for me was the didgeridoo.

Dar Williams – As Cool As I Am

I remember now when the Hubster and I played the CD on the way home from the show that we both exclaimed in surprise when we heard it. We were intrigued. In fact, although we laughed about it, we decided we were impressed that someone could effectively use one in an American folk song.

But now as I listen to it again, I just find it distracting. (It sounds a lot louder in my car than it does on that embeded version). It doesn't mean that I dislike it; it just means that I prefer the version that's just Dar and the guitar.*

*And yes, I know that rhymes. Not intentional.

Edited to correct: Upon a comparison listening of the two songs (not basing my opinion on just my memory), I realize that the version on Out There Live is also an up-tempo version with more instruments than just an acoustic guitar (no didgeridoo, though). And now I'm torn between the two versions. I don't know if my memory of an acoustic version was based on seeing her live this summer, or what. Blame it on pregnancy brain...

Together Again

My work friend C, who was also trying to concieve, has been successful! Last night around 6:45 p.m., I got a text message from her that said: I think I'm pregnant! Very faint line but def there! I was so excited I got chills.

We were pregnant together the first time, and we were both trying this summer, but we were both worried that one of us would be successful and one wouldn't. I personally thought it would be her, since she's ten years younger than me and only took three months to concieve her daughter. But then this cycle (which was to be her last try until next spring, because she can't afford to take time off during the school year), she thought her timing was off and she had missed her chance. She didn't even tell me she was going to test, but last night she was in Walmart and the tests just called out to her.

I'm praying that this goes well for both of us. I have such a hard time not worrying, especially in the beginning. I can't believe our good fortune that this baby is planned to coincide perfectly with the school year. I keep expecting something to take that away from us. I need to hear a heartbeat, but my first prenatal appointment isn't until the end of October. Once that happens, I'll worry until my amnio at 16 weeks. Then I'll worry until 24 weeks, when the baby is viable. Then I'll worry until delivery.

I asked the Hubster what he thought about renting or buying a doppler this time, and he said, "I have a better idea; why don't I just yell really loudly at your uterus every night?" Okay, I understand his feelings... but he didn't have to be so sarcastic about it.

Obsessing on hCG levels

From Babymed.

Repeat beta

Repeat beta was 295 at 14 dpo. Wow! I will say no more on the subject of multiples, other than I am still above the median beta for both singleton (118) and multiples (210) as of 14 dpo. Progesterone was 272 at 12dpo and 420 at 14dpo, but my doctor still wants me to stay on the Prochieve until I am eight weeks.

On a related note, I tried a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor stick in a Clearblue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test last night as an experiment. It said "pregnant." Now, I don't know if it would give a false positive if you weren't pregnant (the sticks are meant to pick up LH and Estrogen, and LH is a near twin of hCG) but it won't give a false negative. It also saved me ten bucks from not having to buy a digital to have a picture for the baby book.

Beta, beta... Saaa-wing, beta!*

My first beta came back at 91 at 12dpo. According to Betabase, that's slightly above average, so I felt pretty good about it. After I talked to the doctor's office, I texted the Hubster.

Me: My beta hcg level was 91 at 12dpo. That's good. If you want more info, try betabase.info
Hubster: (obviously after consulting Betabase) It's nice to see that your level is firmly in the multiples range, too.
Me: I've heard that a high beta doesn't necessarily mean multiples.
Hubster: On the charts, levels for multiples were higher than for singles. And yours was above the median for both, but within the range for both.

What I didn't tell him is that a high hcg level can also indicate a molar pregnancy or down's syndrome. I'm not jumping to any conclusions. I'm going to wait until the repeat comes back before I freak out about anything. I know you can't base anything on a single beta result.

Today after work, I rush to get to the hospital lab before it closes so I can have my second beta done.

*Okay, who's tired of the cheesy puns already?

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!*

I was every bit as shocked yesterday when I got a positive home pregnancy test at 12 dpo as I was when I got one at 12dpo with the Monkeyboy. I've been so superstitious this cycle, I didn't even have a "good" test in the house, so I tested with a Dollar Store test and an internet cheapie strip. The Dollar Store test looked just like it did with the Monkeyboy! The cheapie did, too!

So I took a sick day and went to get a quantitative blood test (beta), which I will repeat tomorrow to make sure it's doubling. I also bought a "real" test, an Answer Early, and got a nice, dark line. Of course, I'm sure I will test frequently this week until I get my betas back.

Already, though, this feels different than July when I had the early miscarriage. This feels just like it did with the Monkey. Sore breasts, mild crampiness, exhaustion, the powerful-sense-of-smell (my pregnancy superpower), a little very mild nausea (I never had morning sickness last time, just mild nausea when my stomach was empty).

My due date is May 28. Even if this baby comes early (like the Monkeyboy), it's still perfect timing for a teacher. I got my wish! (In more ways than one).

*You know in your mind you heard Gomer Pyle say that!

No News is Good News

There are a lot of cutesy acronyms and expression used on message boards for women trying to conceive. Baby dust, sticky vibes... I don't know that I've ever used any of them. I stick to the acronyms that are merely practical: TTC (trying to conceive), CD (cycle day), DPO (days past ovulation), CBEFM (Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor). These save me time from having to write out the long words. Practical.

In fact, one of the cutesy ones has never made sense to me: PUPO. Pregnant until proven otherwise. It just seemed like the height of denial to think that way. Women would use that expression and I'd put them in the same category as women who analyze possible pregnancy symptoms at 2 DPO. That's a nice fantasy world you live in, Darlin'. (Or, as Fraser Crane once asked of Cliff Claven, "I wonder... what color is the sky in your world, Cliff?"). I just couldn't understand that kind of thinking.

Until this cycle. In every medicated cycle, because I take progesterone, I have to test at some point. Because if I'm not pregnant, I have to stop the progesterone so I can get my period and be on to the next cycle. So for my first three cycles of Clomid, I've tested. Every month my doctor has sent me for a progesterone check and quantitative hCG. I've also tested at home first, though. Based on the fact that somehow there are a lot of crazy women on my message boards that get positives at 8 and 9 DPO, I've started testing at 8 or 9 DPO. And I've tested every day (sometimes twice a day, I'm embarassed to admit) up through day 13, 14, and sometimes 15, through when I stopped progesterone and my period eventually came.

This month I don't want to test. Last month my doctor's secretary forgot to send me the prescription for my bloodwork, so I called and she told me I could pick on up on my way to the lab. This month again, I again have no prescription, but I didn't call to ask for one. And I'm not yet going to take a home pregnancy test. I don't want to face stark white negative after negative. I want to live with the illusion that maybe, it's possible, it could be that this time it worked. If I don't test, I have nothing to contradict that assumption. I'm pregnant until proven otherwise.

So I finally understand what those women are talking about. Just like me, they realize that there are only a few days each cycle when hope is alive. There are only a few peaceful days when I'm not taking a medication, or testing and waiting for ovulation, or scheduling reproductive sex, or taking pregnancy tests. It's nice to treasure those days, preserve it for as long as possible.

Today I am 9 DPO. I am going to try to resist testing until Monday morning, when I'll be 12 DPO. By that time I can be fairly certain of whatever result I get. If it's negative, I'll test again at 13 DPO and then stop my progesterone. And be on to the next cycle.

I also (finally!) called today and made an appointment with the RE for October 9.

6DPO

Six days past ovulation. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard not to. I'll have an idea by this weekend if this cycle is a success.

Today I gave my work friend C a few supplies: a tube of Pre-Seed, a packet of Pre, six OPKs and what I had left of a bottle of EPO. This may be her last cycle TTC until next summer. She told me after her last cycle failed that this time she wasn't going to get all worked up this cycle, worry about it, test, or anything. And then I have to go, like the drug dealer I am, and bring her all the tools of obsession. (Last cycle I brought her cheapie HPTs to test with, too.)

Over the weekend, my friend H told me about a baby girl she knew about that might be available for adoption. The Hubster and I haven't discussed adoption since we were trying to get pregnant the first time, three years ago. At that point we had decided that if we weren't pregnant by a certain month, we'd start the adoption process. We had decided against IVF, since we had limited money and it was no guarantee (I know too many women who've paid thousands for no success). My sister-in-law had done IVF unsuccessfully and was pursuing adoption when she -- like all those stories we hear -- got pregnant with her miracle baby naturally (to be followed by another miracle baby two and a half years later). But I asked her opinion on all of it and she said if she had it to do over again, she would've gone straight to adoption. In her words, "Pregnancy lasts nine months, Motherhood is forever." She said that she assessed her goals and realized that parenting, not gestating, was what it was all about. And adoption is a lot closer to a guarantee of parenthood than IVF, especially if you are spending the same money.

We pursued information about this little girl for about a day, as we decided that we were very interested in her. What we discovered is that the situation is very complicated. The little girl (about 18 months old) has an infant brother who is in the process of being adopted by a couple who are also interested in adopting the little girl. Their father, who put them both into foster care, never bonded with the little boy, as he was a newborn when he was put into foster care, but did bond with the little girl. Right now the adoptive family is waiting for the boy's adoption to be finalized before they pursue the little girl, because they're worried that -- due some sketchy behavior on the part of the birth father -- both adoptions could end up canceled if they don't set the course appropriately. I hope it works out for them, because I think that the siblings should be together.

But it made me realize that even though we already have a biological child, we're still open to the idea of adoption. I have been thinking about it recently, but wondering what it would be like to have a family that was blended like that. (What I really should be thinking is, Duh, Jen, The Hubster has an adopted sister you've known for over twenty years, since she was a child. What's that like?). Sometimes I just can't see the forest for the trees.

Risk

Here's something I didn't know. The risk of multiple births is higher from IUI than it is from IVF, mainly because IVF allows more control over how many eggs are fertilized and transfered.

Scary.

Ambivalence

Call it a defense mechanism, but I'm starting to feel the same low-level ambivalence that I felt earlier this spring when we started to try for baby #2. At the time I think I was trying to protect myself against the stress that I knew was coming. The sense of urgency, the long waits, the feeling of failure, the inevitable depression.

I told myself that it might be better to quit while I was ahead. I have a healthy son and, since I'm getting older, that might not happen again. I also didn't suffer much "damage" from my pregnancy. I escaped stretch marks (the Monkey was six weeks early and I've heard that most stretch marks come in the last month). My breast are a little less perky, but I'm hoping to be able to lift them once I'm done with kids. If I never got pregnant again, I could fix them that much earlier. We are struggling to try to get the modifications done to the house sooner rather than later in case we have another baby. If we didn't have another, we could take our time with those projects.

Then I pushed all those thoughts away. I've always thought that I would have kids (plural). I have many misgivings about only children (based on a mother and three close friends that are only children). I think that it would be lonely and burdensome to be an only child. (This is only my opinion. Your mileage may vary). So we forged ahead with the fertility treatment.

Since then, more recent events have made me again start thinking that maybe just one kid wouldn't be the worst life development ever:

The first cycle of Clomid didn't work. Or the second (well, not really). Or the third. Now I'm on my fourth and facing making an appointment with an RE and spending money we don't have to conceive a child (you know, that thing that most other people get to do for free).

Toward the end of this summer, a woman who was about my age, who had a child that was about the Monkeyboy's age, who was a member of Fertility Friend (my online charting program and message board), died while giving birth to baby #2. (The baby surivived.) This had the Holy Shit! effect on me. Apparently she had a very rare complication, an amniotic embolism. Yes, it's very rare, but still... it gave me pause.

Just yesterday, one of my friends at work, Y, asked if the Hubster and I wanted to put together a team with him for the 24 Hour Championship Challenge next August. I would've been the token chick on the team so they could compete in the 5-person Co-ed category. I haven't done a mountain bike race since I did the 24 Hours of Snowshoe back in 2001. But since I don't know where I'll be in terms of fertility treatment/pregnancy/post-birth infant-care & breastfeeding, I can't commit. They have to enter as a 4-man Sport team (they can't even enter as a vet/master team, because Y won't be 35 yet (as the Hubster put it, "Damn kid!").

My sister-in-law is obsessed with the house we stayed in at the Outer Banks this summer and wants to try to get together a group of families to rent it again next summer. The $100 per month that we'd have to put away to be able to do that is just not possible with the chance of having to pay out-of-pocket for more advanced fertility treatments. And even if we could afford it, just like with the mountian bike race, I don't know where I'll be in the Baby #2 process. I'd love to be one of those women that says "I'm not going to schedule my life around this" but at my age, it's what I have to do.

Deep down I still want another baby. I think that this ambivalence -- this pretended ambivalence -- really is a defense mechanism. The proverbial sour grapes.

Lyrically Speaking

Jennifer Juniper, hair of golden flax
Jennifer Juniper, longs for what she lacks
Do you like her? Yes, I do, sir.
Would you love her? Yes, I would, sir.
What'cha doin', Jennifer my love?

-- Donovan, "Jennifer Juniper," The Hurdy Gurdy Man (1968)

Peak!

There are many places where I've read that you might not get a peak the first month using a fertility monitor, because the monitor needs to learn your cycles. However, this morning I got a peak reading (backed up by a very positive OPK, done at 5:00 a.m. to boot).

Even if I hadn't gotten a peak, though, I think I would have known that this was it. I've had pretty serious ovulation pain these past few months on Clomid. This month is no exception. It has me curious as to whether that's all it is, simple ovulation pain, or whether it could signal something else, like an ovarian cyst. (I'm sure I'll be consulting Dr. Google before too long.)

I still haven't called the RE to make an appointment, but I also need to call the vet and the dentist to make appointments that are completely unrelated to my fertility (one would hope!), so I think it's just general procrastination and not some other subconscious impulse.

Project CM

This cycle, since I'm not taking estradiol, I'm a little more worried about my uterine lining than usual, because for some women Clomid can thin it. Even in unmedicated cycles, I usually don't have much fertile cervical mucus (CM), the bodily fluid that is like a superhighway for sperm (just another side-effect of being old, I guess). On top of my natural deficit, Clomid can negatively effect fertile CM (in previous cycles, the estradiol was also supposed to help with this).

So I decided that instead of just supplementing with Pre-Seed (the sperm friendly lubricant) like I usually do, I'd actually take some steps to try to improve my own supply of fertile CM.

Some women swear by Evening Primrose Oil (EPO), and I've taken it in the past, but since I'm already taking Omega 3-6-9, I thought I better not. What I will do is eat baby carrots and drink some green tea (not too much, though, because green tea can interfere with the body's ability to absorb folic acid).

I'm curious to see if this will make a difference. I've had a decent amount of CM already this cycle, which is unsual for me. But going into this weekend and through the beginning of next week (when I expect to ovulate) is when it's going to be most important.

Crying Baby, Puking Cat

Four days into the school year and I would've taken a sick day if it weren't for the simple fact that I just mentioned... it's only four days into the school year.

The Monkey has been doing this nightwaking/night terrors thing a couple of time a week that we can't seem to get a handle on. So for the last two nights I've been up around 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. trying to calm him down and get him back to sleep. I was talking about this with a friend over the weekend and she commented on how, when you have a newborn, you learn to function on very little sleep for a long period of time. Then once you're back in the everyone-sleeps-through-the-night groove, having that pattern interrupted feels like absolute torture and ruins your entire day.

To add to the joy of it all, last night after the house had just finally gotten back to sleep, the Jungle Cat decided it was time to yark up a big pool of something. Of course I had to get up again to clean it up. He's had a few of these vomiting episodes recently, so it seems like a trip to the vet is in order. This is not your regular old cat puke, this is projectile vomiting of large proportions. Yuck.

So that was my night. Not as theatrically spectacular as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but with much less sword-play.