Project CM

This cycle, since I'm not taking estradiol, I'm a little more worried about my uterine lining than usual, because for some women Clomid can thin it. Even in unmedicated cycles, I usually don't have much fertile cervical mucus (CM), the bodily fluid that is like a superhighway for sperm (just another side-effect of being old, I guess). On top of my natural deficit, Clomid can negatively effect fertile CM (in previous cycles, the estradiol was also supposed to help with this).

So I decided that instead of just supplementing with Pre-Seed (the sperm friendly lubricant) like I usually do, I'd actually take some steps to try to improve my own supply of fertile CM.

Some women swear by Evening Primrose Oil (EPO), and I've taken it in the past, but since I'm already taking Omega 3-6-9, I thought I better not. What I will do is eat baby carrots and drink some green tea (not too much, though, because green tea can interfere with the body's ability to absorb folic acid).

I'm curious to see if this will make a difference. I've had a decent amount of CM already this cycle, which is unsual for me. But going into this weekend and through the beginning of next week (when I expect to ovulate) is when it's going to be most important.

Crying Baby, Puking Cat

Four days into the school year and I would've taken a sick day if it weren't for the simple fact that I just mentioned... it's only four days into the school year.

The Monkey has been doing this nightwaking/night terrors thing a couple of time a week that we can't seem to get a handle on. So for the last two nights I've been up around 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. trying to calm him down and get him back to sleep. I was talking about this with a friend over the weekend and she commented on how, when you have a newborn, you learn to function on very little sleep for a long period of time. Then once you're back in the everyone-sleeps-through-the-night groove, having that pattern interrupted feels like absolute torture and ruins your entire day.

To add to the joy of it all, last night after the house had just finally gotten back to sleep, the Jungle Cat decided it was time to yark up a big pool of something. Of course I had to get up again to clean it up. He's had a few of these vomiting episodes recently, so it seems like a trip to the vet is in order. This is not your regular old cat puke, this is projectile vomiting of large proportions. Yuck.

So that was my night. Not as theatrically spectacular as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but with much less sword-play.

This is why The List is fluid.

I just need to say that I'm a little disappointed in Dave Grohl. Based on the video for The Pretender, he's let his hair grow again and his beard fill out and so, to me, he's just not as hot as he once was.


We'll call this picture, Old Hot Dave.

He's not off The List yet, but I'm keeping my eyes (and options) open.

But, wait... there's more!

On Wednesday I started back to work (school) and spent some time talking to my friend C. She has a daughter almost exactly 5 months younger than the Monkeyboy. (Born a little after 1 a.m. a day too late. I always tell her, "If you would have just pushed a little harder, they could have been exactly five months apart...")

She has also been trying to get pregnant again this summer. We teachers always aim for the spring months -- April, May and June -- because then we can maximize our maternity leave. We don't really get a lot of other paid days we can take throughout the year, since we have this "built in"vacation. With her daughter, they were successful on month 3 of trying and were lucky enough to have a spring due date. This time they're on month 3 of trying (in the Two Week Wait right now) for #2. She and her hubby are younger than the Hubster and I and they're building a house, so financially if they don't conceive by October they have to take a break until next summer. They just can't afford for her to take off too much time during the school year. (Her hubby also tends to get seasonally laid off.) I wish her the best. She emailed me about a month ago to tell me she wasn't pregnant yet (and to ask if I was) and I was so disappointed. She's one of those people I expect to get pregnant easily, so it's like, if she can't...

After talking to her a bit, getting her take on things, I decided to call my OB (I wish I could come up with a cool nom de guerre for him like other blogs do for their doctors, but I haven't been able to come up with anything that fits yet). I thought that although he originally said he'd only let me do three cycles of Clomid before referring me to an RE, the fact that I had that early miscarriage in July might make a difference. I mean, it shows that Clomid works for me and that I can get pregnant.

So I called him on Wednesday, spoke to the nurse and left a message. I never heard back. I called on Thursday and spoke to the nurse again. I explained I had already left a message the day before. She remembered and was surprised he hadn't called me back already. I explained that I was at that moment on Cycle Day 3 and if he would let me do another Clomid cycle I needed to start that day. I explained how I wondered if my miscarriage made a difference when it came to the "three cycles" deal. She put me on hold and when she came back said that, although the doctor was doing surgery, she spoke to the PA (who I love!) and the PA said that "it was not unreasonable to think that they'd let you [me] do another cycle or two of Clomid, because of the miscarriage." And that the doctor would call me back when he got out of surgery.

Which he didn't do.

This morning, my nerves stretched taught like a bowstring (after quietly crying myself to sleep last night), I called again. The nurse was surprised (again!) that he hadn't called me back. She said that he was due in the office at 10:30 and promised that he would call me this morning.

Let me just say, I was so irritated that I almost made an RE appointment before he even had a chance to call me back. That's how sure I was that his not calling me back was a reflection of his unwillingness to let me cycle again. But I told myself: "This is an OB/GYN in a solo practice (Yes, very rare in this day and age, but you know exactly who will have his hand(s) up your hoo-ha at your delivery). Maybe he was at a delivery or some other emergency last night. See what he has to say."

I'm so very glad I waited.

He called (a little after 11:00) and said that yes, it made complete sense to do another cycle of Clomid. I had a clear HSG. I had gotten pregnant on Clomid, but it just hadn't stuck. It was working. So we could do another cycle. He also explained that when he said three cycles, he was saying he didn't want to waste my time if it wasn't working. I was 37, not 27... and that makes a lot of difference.

I agree. During my wait for his call, I checked out the CDC statistics for the fertility clinic I'm considering. Did you know that when they compute success rates, they group patients into categories by age and those age groups are:

• <35
• 35-37
• 38-40
• 41-42

I was surprised that 37 was a "cut off" for an age group. My doctor explain that just as there's a drop in fertility at age 35, there's another serious drop at 37. So, he said diplomatically, time is of the essence.

I may make an appointment with the RE anyway, just in case there's a waiting list. And to get the preliminary tests out of the way. But for now, I'm cycling again. This cycle, because of the delay, I'm doing 50 mgs of Clomid days 4-8 (instead of 3-7) and foregoing the Estradiol because he "doesn't think that it's important." (Okay, whatever, he's the one with the M.D). I'm still going to use Prochieve after O.

And the most wonderful news of all: When I went to pick up my prescription, there were two refills. That made me the happiest of all.

My List, Revisited

You know My List?

Well, it turns out that John Corbett has a band. The John Corbett Band. And they tour. And they're coming to a city near me. Tomorrow.

Frieda and I are going to go.

School's In!

The school year started today, for teachers at least. I'm not glad to be back, but I'm glad to be back in a routine.

On To an RE

The third and final cycle of Clomid was a bust. (My period just started as I was writing this. Yay.) I've been posting on message boards asking for help navigating insurance and references for a doctor, since it looks like I'm moving on to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

When I put in my temp yesterday, Fertility Friend took away my crosshairs and said it couldn't determine a clear ovulation date. To restore my O date, I had to go in and exclude one pre-O temp that was very high (because of the Clomid maybe?) and one post-O temp that was very low (I've been sleeping with my mouth open because of my allergies). Still, it's just one more thing that makes me wonder what's going on with my cycles.

Things I'm also doing different, while I wait for an RE appointment:

Ordered a Clearblue Fertility Monitor off eBay. I figured it can't hurt and might help me make sense of my cycles. I thought I knew what was going on with my body, until the Ovusoft software made me question what I thought I knew. Because I'm such a control freak, though, I still plan on using OPKs. Shhh... don't tell The Hubster. He thinks this will save me money in the long run from not having to buy OPKs. He also isn't aware that the monitor takes sticks which are more expensive than my internet cheapie OPKs.

Started Vaginal Temping. I haven't been taking my allergy medicines (yes, that's a S -- there are several I take) because of this whole TTC thing, so I've really been suffering this summer. I've also been sleeping with my mouth open and my temps have been really kerflooey. I've resisted vaginal temping, not because I'm squeamish (nothing could be further from the truth), but because it seems like a little more of a pain ...and it seems a little weird, too. But to sort out the temp confusion, I ordered a new BD Basal Thermometer and started vaginal temping a couple of days ago. I'm still oral temping, too, for comparison. That's a whole lotta beeping going on in the morning.

Started Taking Omega 3-6-9. Yes, this is one of those kooky things that people suggest on message boards, but what can it hurt? I've taken Evening Primrose Oil (EPO) in the past to try to increase my CM and I think I remember it working, but it's not safe to take after O (can cause uterine contractions). Also, you can't take it with Clomid. Omega 3-6-9 has moved up the O date of some women who are later-ovulators or even annovulatory, so I figured it's worth a shot.

I have some phone calls I still need to make to find an RE, although I already have an idea of where I'll go. But since I know several people who've used REs in the past five years, I thought I'd ask them all what they thought before making a final decision. I also have to check with our insurance to see what exactly is covered and what is excluded ("assisted fertilization" is excluded, but what exactly do they mean by that?).

My List

There are so many types of lists I could be referring to, but this one is the Friends-inspired list of celebrities you're allowed to sleep with and no one can get mad, even if you're already in a relationship. I personally have spun off that theme into two levels, Top 5 and Bottom 5 based on different qualifications. I have some very specific requirements, but this is my fantasy, after all.

Top 5
My Top 5 are celebrities that I think are really smart, cool and interesting:

• Lance Armstrong
  
• Dave Grohl (with the short hair and stubbly beard he's had since around 2002 when One by One came out)
• John Corbett (circa Northern Exposure, or even his second round as Aiden on Sex and the City)
  
• Edward Norton
• Keanu Reeves (Yes, I know, there's all the "Is he really gay? controversy, but ever since Point Break, I've had this thing for him. He must have short hair, though, if he's going to git wit me.)
  

Bottom 5
This is sort of the "alternates" list. For The Hubster, I always tell him it's where he should put women who can substitute in case one of his Top 5 is unable to fulfill her duties (for example, if she's pregnant). For me, these are celebrities that I'd like to sleep with, but that aren't allowed to talk because they'd probably annoy me. You know what I mean, they have to come over after 9 p.m. and aren't allowed to still be there in the morning (definitely must qualify as hot to make this list):

• Ryan Reynolds (with the body he had in Blade III)
• Taye Diggs (Did you know his real first name is Scott and that "Taye" is a shortened form of the nickname "Scottaye?")
• Heath Ledger
  

(That's all I can think of right now for my Bottom 5. I'm just too damn picky.)

A third list, just for fun, is my "Fictional Characters" list. These are fictional characters that I'd like to date. Not the actors that play them, just the characters they play (but I guess in that case, I'd have to be a fictional character, too).

• Dr. John Carter (ER)
• Josh Lyman (The West Wing)

One additional note. Unlike the traditional "laminated list" (which cannot be changed), The Hubster and I frequently change our list (especially our Bottom 5, which pretty much has a revolving door). However, any changes must be announced well in advance. I've already told him that it won't work to walk in somewhere and say "Hey-there's-Eva-Longoria-oh-yeah-she's-on-my-list" if it's the first time you've mentioned her. It goes against the whole essence of the list.

Holy Discrepancies, Batman!

Although I have been using Fertility Friend charting for three years now (!), I decided to buy the Ovusoft software (The Taking Charge of Your Fertility Software) to use, too. I tried the fifteen day free trial of Ovusoft back in May because FF seemed off that month, so I wanted a second opinion. I liked it, although there are some big differences between the two programs.

Yesterday the software came in the mail, so I spent hours inputting all my data for the last three years. The results have been shocking. Although Fertility Friend always has given me an ovulation date, Ovusoft has me as annovulatory for just about every cycle since the monkeyboy was born, except the ones where I used an OPK. However, even for the ovulatory cycles, it hasn't given me any coverlines, so I'm wondering is something off with the program or the settings.

I'm still fiddling with it, and I'll probably end up posting on the message boards there asking for help, but it does have me wondering a couple of things. First of all, if I have been annovulatory all those cycles, then I definitely need medication to help me ovulate. But also, if Ovusoft is right, then what's up with Fertility Friend? Here I've been thinking every month that I have a biphasic shift and an ovulation pattern (based on their assessment), but that may not be true and I should have been more aggressive with fertility treatment this summer.

I'm not sure who to believe.

Oh, yeah: BFN on the home pregnancy tests I've taken, so although the bloodwork results from yesterday aren't back yet, it still looks like I'm onto see an RE.

Cycle News*

Where I'm at: CD21, 6DPO
Cycle # 3 of Clomid, Estradiol and Progesterone.

The Hubster and I only had to attempt procreative sex twice while at the crowded beach house, but I didn't actually O until a few days after we came home, so we were able to make our best attempts at home.

For obvious reasons, I'm not feeling optimistic. This is the last cycle my OB will let me do with him. He's referring me to an RE after this. I don't know how we would begin to afford this, after all the financial difficulties we've experienced recently.

That's where it stands. I go this coming Friday (the 17) for bloodwork.


*And no, I do not mean Cycle News.

Dar Williams

Last night Dar Williams played a free concert at a nearby outdoor amphitheater. Since it was a nice family-friendly venue, we decided to go and take the Monkeyboy (to save the money we'd have paid a babysitter). Also, it would be his first concert and I thought it was a good choice of artist, venue and crowd for that.

The show was excellent, and though the turn out was good, it wasn't crowded. Many people brought children or dogs (or children and dogs), and everyone had food and drink. The Hubster was disappointed that he hadn't brought any beer, since although it was not technically permitted, everyone had alcohol, some even had wine in wineglasses. The crowd was mellow, so security didn't seem to care.

On the drive there, we debated what we thought she'd play and what we hoped she'd play. the Hubster said he was sure she's play The Babysitter's Here and The Christians and the Pagans. I agreed, and she did. He wanted to hear Spring Street and Iowa and he did (Iowa was the encore). I wanted to hear As Cool As I Am (yes!) and What Do You Hear in These Sounds (no --bummer). One newer song I hadn't heard (we haven't bought her new album yet) was Teen for God. She also played the Mercy of the Fallen and Are you Out There. This is by far not a complete set list; I can't remember everything she played.

There was a group of women and children up front that screamed and danced and had a great time, which Dar seemed to enjoy. When she discussed her DVD, she said it made her aware that she talks a lot during her sets, maybe too much, but the yelling and clapping that followed that statement showed that the crowd didn't agree. When that happened she laughed and thanked everyone for the sentiment.

Although the show didn't even start until the Monkeyboy's bedtime, he was a trooper throughout. He enjoyed himself, had some snacks, met some dogs and did some dancing, even if he didn't pay too much attention to Dar herself.

The crowd was nice, clean and polite. And although we left quickly when it ended, I bet there wasn't any litter.

Warped Tour

Yesterday (as part of my Big Birthday Celebration), the Hubster and I went to the Warped Tour. My main motivation was to see Bad Religion and Flogging Molly, although there were some other bands I wanted to check out, too. We were supposed to have been accompanied by Frieda and Beamer & OldChristine, but all three bailed the night before (which was rude).

It was a record-setting high temperature of a day (91), humidity at 75-90%, forecast with isolated thunderstorms. Although the doors opened at 11:00, we didn't arrive until almost 1:00 due to a late wake-up and terrible traffic.

It wasn't as crowded as I expected it to be, but the crowd demographics were what I thought they'd be: mostly teens and twenties, with some thirties, forties and even older people scattered throughout. We were by far not the oldest people there, but we were on the upper end of the spectrum.

As were were orienting ourselves to the layout, we passed on of the smaller stages on which Lourds was playing. I'd never seen or heard of them before, but the few songs I heard left me impressed and curious enough to buy their CD. I'm also always looking for new women in music.

We had a beer and wandered around, but made sure to hear Tiger Army play mid-afternoon. My favorite thing about them (in addition to the music) was that they had an electric-blue upright bass. Unexpected. It started to lightly rain during their set, but as the weather had been hot, sunny and humid it was a welcome change. Afterwards, the days remained mostly overcast which sort of took the edge off.

I was interested in hearing Meg and Dia (who I ended up being unimpressed by), so we got an ice cream cone (to beat the heat) and went to sit at the main pavilion which was set up as both the Smart Punk stage and the Hurley.com stage. I was exhausted, so I leaned back in my seat, closed my eyes and drifted off for a bit. It's amazing that I could take a nap in an uncomfortable stadium style seat, in 90-degree heat, during a punk show, but it's a skill I honed during my years of college, ebing able to nap just about anywhere. The band that played while I "napped" (I was still sort-of aware of what was going on) I found out later was called Static Lullaby. I thought it was very fitting, because that's what it was. Lots of distortion and unintelligible lyrics, which I tried to sleep through.

Following Static Lullaby was Boys Like Girls, who I was also unfamiliar with, but had clear expectations based on all the cute, clean-cut teenage girls wearing their t-shirts. They were entertaining, if not unique, and had a pop sound.

Hawthorne Heights was finishing up their set as we made our way towards the Lucky stage to hear the big hitters of the late afternoon. Paramour followed them, playing on the next stage over. I liked them and think I maybe should've picked up a CD (in my quest for women rockers). Coheed and Cambria I didn't enjoy as much as I thought I would, although they are talented.

Two of the later bands of the day were who we came to see. Bad Religion played an awesome set and made the whole day well worth the trip. They're so earnest in their lyrics, so political. The Hubster commented that he gestures like he's having a conversation with you as he sings. I was disappointed that they didn't play Los Angeles is Burning (my favorite), but all their material is great. What other band could use "transubstantiation" in their lyrics and have it flow very naturally?

Flogging Molly followed Bad Religion on the same stage. They were also very good (I've seen them before). One disappointment is that they chose to play two of their new, unreleased songs. Normally I don't mind -- and even welcome -- hearing new material, but in a festival environment when a band only plays a half-hour set, they should stick to what people want. Playing a new songs means there's something I was hoping hear didn't get played. I can allow for one, but two?

As for mosh pits and the like, there was nothing too large or amazing, although people moshed and crowd-surfed at all the major sets. The biggest asshole of the day award goes to the guy who got up to crowd surf with a lighted cigarette in his hand. If I was up there, I'd have dropped him on his head.

On that note, there's one more thing I must comment on. I've never been to any sort of venue, festival or otherwise, where I have seen so much littering and general disregard for the common good. In addition to bottles, cups and food wrappers strewn about, people seemed to deliberately find stuff to turn into litter (the Krishnas were handing out free books on "enlightenment" and I saw a few that had been shredded and thrown on the ground). Also, there were groups of immature teenage and twenty-something boys who threw bottles and things into the crowd and mosh pits, for the purpose of just generally stirring the pot. During one set, apparently a guy in a mosh pit deliberately threw an entire beer at a girl. I can't remember the band, but the lead singer pointed him out as security came to drag the guy away. My solution to all this: The idiots running the "Anarchy" booth should have to clean up the grounds the next day.

It was a great (if draining) day. We capped it off by a late showing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Return to the Mundane

I'm back from vacation. It was a wonderful escape from the stress of the past few months. I'll post a full update in a few days, when I have the time.

Still Rippin'

Ripping our CD collection to put on our iPods is almost a full time job. And just when I feel like I've made some headway... Two trips to Half Price Books equals fourteen new CDs.

We also have decided to rip some of our audiobooks for our upcoming vacation. We're developing quite a collection that we usually save for long roadtrips. First up: Lisey's Story by Stephen King. Neither the Hubster or I have read the book so we decided it was perfect for our upcoming vacation. The wonderful thing about Stephen King's audiobooks is that they're unabridged. The only audiobooks that I am willing to buy that are abridged are Bill Bryson's stuff, because some of it doesn't come unabridged and he's just so damn entertaining.

We leave tomorrow for two nights/three days at our friends' lake house and then return home for a frenzy of laundry and repacking to leave the next pre-dawn morning for the Outer Banks. So, a blogging hiatus of sorts is about to commence. Back in August!

Whew!

The rollercoaster ride is over. I started bleeding full force this morning, so I called my doctor's office to see if he'd let me do another Clomid cycle right away. They finally called me back and said they were calling in my prescriptions. Yay!

One positive thing about this is that it pushed the current cycle back a week, so I won't be ovulating while we're in the Outer Banks with my my entire cadre of in-laws. That was going to have been fun, trying to conceive while living in a house with eight other adults and four children.

If this cycle works (and I'm praying that it does -- big talk for an atheist!), I'd have a due date of the end of April (depending on when I actually ovulate). That would be perfect, since I'm just about out of days to take at work. If we move to more advanced treatments and end up conceiving later, I'm not sure how that will work out regarding maternity leave and childcare. I hate the thought of putting a tiny baby into daycare. We were able to wait until the Monkey was six months before he had to go to daycare. I know my other-in-law would probably be willing to come stay with us again for a while, but I'd like that to be no more than a month, not the three months she did last time. (I'm not even sure we could convince her to stay that long again, anyway.)

One final note: The 16DPO beta was 9.1.

Spot has arrived.

Woof woof.

What's a Girl Gotta Do To Have a Miscarriage Around Here?

Eighteen days past ovulation. Still not spotting. Still getting negatives on tests. Still no call from the doctor.

Saturday Night Freak Show

I had a little breakdown earlier tonight and just had to get out of the house and be alone. Where to go on a Saturday night when you're alone and broke and it's already 8:00?

Why, Half Price Books, of course.

Who's at Half Price Books at 9:00 on a Saturday Night? (Other than me, obviously). Guys in their twenties who still live with their moms and shop with them at Half Price Books on a Saturday night. Weird, bearded older men who wander around with cups of coffee and stare at women, but don't really seem to be shopping for books. Gaunt, stiffly-dressed older men who scour the clearance books in the back and make a list (about what?) on a little piece of paper. Well-dressed women who don't look like they've had their hair styled (or even brushed) in months. Sheltered teenage girls who consult their mothers on every purchase they're considering making.

Where do I fit into this Freak Show? I was excited to find a CD of the West Side Story Soundtrack in the clearance section for $2.00. And I listened to it on the drive home. 'Nuff said.

Now With All of the Nausea But None of the Baby!

I didn't hear from the doctor last night and I'm not sure if I'll hear from him over the weekend. I doubt it. It looks like I have to wait until Monday for the official word and to discuss what's going to happen.

I took another Dollar Store test this morning and it was negative. Seriously stark white. Whatever HCG there was in my system has obviously dropped below a level detectable by home tests (so below about 25).

I'm still not spotting or anything. I haven't taken any more progesterone (since the tube I used on Thursday after talking to the doctor and getting the positive tests). The really crummy part of all this is I feel like shit. I'm exhausted, my breasts are really sore, I'm crampy and nauseated. This situation hasn't even progressed enough to be considered hell; I'm in purgatory.

No News Is Not Good New In This Case

I'm really not feeling optimistic, because I took another two HPTs this morning (another Dollar Store one and a cheapie strip from early-pregnancy-tests.com). They weren't any darker (maybe even lighter?). With the Monkey, I got a positive test at 12DPO and the tests got darker every day. It just seems that by 16DPO, if this one was going to stick, it'd be progressing more. That first beta was on Monday and it's Friday now, so if it was doubling I'd think I'd show pretty dark on HPTs by now, since most of them detect anything over 25.

They didn't draw my blood for my second beta until a little after 11 a.m., so who knows if I'll hear back today. When I got home this afternoon, I took another FRER and an old-style (two-piece) Clear Blue Easy digital (one that was left from the two-pack from when I got pg with the Monkey, and it expired after this month anyway). The line on the FRER came up within the time but was definitely lighter than last night and the digital said "Not Pregnant" (I've read that the old style are sensitive to 50). If this pregnancy was progressing the way it should, my hCG level should be around at least 250.

I'm wondering what my doctor's going to make me do now. I was supposed to start my third round of Clomid, but until I bleed, I'm in limbo. I really hope he doesn't make me take a break, because I only have two more chances to conceive to have a spring baby. I really was hoping we'd have a workable due date. If I don't get pregnant within the next two or three cycles, we'll have to take a few months break (maybe even as much as six) because we won't be able to afford maternity leave that doesn't use part of the summer.

I really, really want to get on with this. I wish the doctor would call so we could discuss the plan. I wish I would start bleeding so I could move onto the next cycle.