I always knew I was dysfunctional

The diagnosis was not PCOS; it was ovarian dysfuntion. Which is an anti-climax. It's not news, that's for sure. It just means Clomid again next time, which I already figured.

Thanksgiving

Rumor has it, it's the most popular coming out day of the year. But I can't check the veracity of this because last week I discovered that "gay and lesbian content" is blocked by the school's internet censor. Apparently it's placed in the same vein as pornography, myspace and other things that teens are meant to avoid (at least during school hours). I find this idea more than a little offensive.

What a long strange trip... it still is.

It seems I don't have ovarian cancer (or at least most likely don't). But the infertility merry-go-round keeps surprising me, as now the diagnosis might be poly cystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS).

This is the first time that it's been suggested since I first started TTC back in 2003. This is my third doctor (switched to him after becoming pregnant with DS). The first didn't want to try Clomid because my charts showed I was ovulating, but scheduled an HSG. She then quit the group practice. The second doctor performed the HSG (all clear) and wanted to try Clomid (and estradiol and progesterone) because she said I might have luteal phase deficiency. Clomid worked on the first cycle. So that, it seemed, was that. (The second doctor stopped doing deliveries after I got my BFP so I switched to my third and hopefully last doctor).

Now, with the new weird symptoms, the Physician's Assistant said they seemed to be ovarian-related. I agree, as they are cyclical. They start around ovulation and continue until my period. But I was very surprised when she suggested PCOS. I mean, the hallmarks of PCOS are being overweight, anovulatory and being hairy (the official term is hirsutism). I am none of those. I'm little, I seem to have regular cycles (29-ish days), and I don't have any hair issues. Another symptom is acne, and I have had this mild adult acne thing going on since I started my thirties (I had perfect skin in my teens and twenties). I used to have a couple of long cycles a year (which would indicate they were anovulatory), even when I was on birth control pills. The PA said that even though my cycles show a bi-phasic shift, it might be that the follicle is developing (or many, as the case is in PCOS) but it doesn't actually get up enough oomph to really release the egg. It justs thinks it has. The Clomid and the progesterone would have helped that, as they are fertility treatments used for PCOS.

So now I wait until the middle of this cycle and I have bloodwork done (LH/FSH/Progesterone) and a trans-vaginal ultrasound. In a way, I'm excited, because if this is what's going on it explains so much. It will also give us a protocol to follow when we try to TTC next spring/summer. But of course, I'm not thrilled about the symptoms of PCOS, especially the fact that sometimes even "thin cysters" (see, I've already been on some message boards and am picking up the lingo) gain weight later on in life. But for now I'm waiting for the actual diagnosis.

Doctor's appointment

I made a doctor's appointment for this Thursday because for the last two months or so, I've been having some strange symptoms, new and unusual for me, that make me think there's some sort of problem. After ruling out things like appendicitis and my gallbladder, I've narrowed it down to different levels of horrible things, such as endometriosis, uterine fibroids or ovarian cancer. The last one is what got me off my butt to make the appointment, since it moves really fast.

The only speedbump may be that I'm expecting my period any minute now, which would mean that I'd have to reschedule my appointment. I'm obsessing on this I can barely wait until this Thursday. Having to reschedule (which is going to happen), is going to put me over the edge.

Tired

A very loooong week.

Satellite Radio

So I finally broke down and got satellite radio. Since I am constantly searching for entertainment, it seemed like a a good solution. so far I'm enjoying the diversity; this morning, I heard Green Day, Foo Fighters, John Prine, Duran Duran, the Marvellettes singing "Stop, Mr. Postman," the list goes on...

Now I just have to conquer two issues. One, I must not wreck my car playing with it. Two, I have to be patient enough to actually listen to new music, not just go searching for what I already know and like.

New music

I've been bored, so very bored, with most of the CDs I have in my car. So, I've been soliciting suggestions from friends for new music.

Today's selection: Old 97's Satellite Rides.
Favorite tunes: Question; Bird in a Cage; Book of Poems.

I need to order a new mooncup...

...because tampons are for the birds.

Return of...

Aunt Flo. And return of my fertility (such as it is), I guess. After eight wonderful post-birth, period-free months (not including Lochia, or The Period That Never Ends), I am back in the game. Sort of. Or actually, depending on what "the game" is a metaphor for, I'm at least back at practice. No attempts at baby-making for about a year, I predict.

Although it does get me thinking. At my six-month post-partum checkup, the doc and I discussed the next baby and all the related fertility concerns that of course come with that thought. Basically, it seems, anything could happen. As we discussed the plan of attack (with me wanting to wait at least a year), he asked "How old are you, again?" while flipping through my chart.
"I'll be 36 this summer," I answered.
"Hmm.... I wish you were younger."
"Yeah, I wish I was younger, too, " I said, joking.
He looked up from the chart and laughed. "I meant medically, in terms of fertility. Look, I can't tell you what to do... you have to consider your situation, socially, emotionally, financially. But, if it were up to me I would say to start sooner than later."

Sooner rather than later. Except that all of the things he listed (the social, emotional and financial aspects) require a wait.

Negative Lane

I haven't been myself all year
too many changes around here
and the road to happiness has been a crash course
it's been a long year
since you left
and a whole week since I last slept
dusting myself off to ride the wild horse

Don't know where I'm going
or just what it means
but the scars remind me of exactly where I've been

If you try to find me
my number's not the same
hang my hat up on negative lane

People keep asking how I've been
because of the state of mind I'm in
there's a million places I swore I would be by now

radio songs all sound the same
I almost played in to that whole game
but the boy's club hung a sign that said "no girls allowed"

Don't know where I'm going
or just what it means
but the scars remind me of exactly where I've been

If you try to find me my number's not the same
hang my hat up on negative lane
you take the road of self destruction
to the culdesac of shame
hang my hat up on negative lane

I keep on coming around
I got one foot back on the ground
and when the other joins me I'll be splitting town

-- Antigone Rising, "Negative Lane," New And Used (1999)