Bumpwatch 2007

Six weeks pregnant today, but already I'm starting to get a belly. It's just a little one, and not enough that anyone would really notice if they didn't know what to look for. However, I'm genetically blessed to have a flat stomach by nature (I've got other faults, so simmer down), and that makes it easy for me to notice that I can no longer even suck my stomach flat.

During my first pregnancy, I was able to hide it until into the second trimester. Superstitious by nature, we wanted to keep it secret until we heard the heartbeat (which we are also doing this time). But even then, I kept not wanting to tell people. I was probably fourteen weeks pregnant when we went out on our friends' boat with a group of people. What tipped the women off wasn't seeing my pregnant belly in a swimsuit -- you could still barely tell -- it was that I wasn't drinking beer and that my breasts had gotten noticeably larger. The school year had ended right at 12 weeks. I was just starting to have to do the rubber band trick on my jeans. I told only a very few friends on the last day of school and as a result, everyone else was shocked when I showed up three months later with a gigantic 25 week belly.

This time however, I'm concerned that I won't be able to hide it until the end of the first trimester. My first appointment isn't until ten weeks, so that's my first goal. I'd just like to get that confirmation before people at work start noticing. I work with mostly women and they seem to be pretty sharp about that sort of thing.

In the morning, my waist looks almost normal, but by evening, I'm very bloated. I'm glad I started to take belly pictures at four weeks. It will be interesting to see the progression.

Can We Talk About the Didgeridoo?

If you've been paying attention, you may have noticed that I updated my Current iPod Playlist in the Sidebar. When I whipped together this playlist, I added Dar Williams' "As Cool As I Am," but didn't stop to wonder whether I should add the live version from Out There Live or the studio version from Mortal City. The Hubster and I picked up Mortal City when we saw her live last month, and I've only had a chance to listen to it once.

So today as the Monkeyboy and I were making a shopping trip (cut short by his crabbiness due to a cold), I listened to my new playlist. The version that made the list was the studio version and I have to say that I prefer the live version. (In fact, I find I prefer the live version of many of her songs, probably because she's got that acoustic/singer-songwriter thing going). The studio version is more up-tempo and I feel that causes the lyrics to lose some of their "reflective" mood. But the true deal breaker for me was the didgeridoo.

Dar Williams – As Cool As I Am

I remember now when the Hubster and I played the CD on the way home from the show that we both exclaimed in surprise when we heard it. We were intrigued. In fact, although we laughed about it, we decided we were impressed that someone could effectively use one in an American folk song.

But now as I listen to it again, I just find it distracting. (It sounds a lot louder in my car than it does on that embeded version). It doesn't mean that I dislike it; it just means that I prefer the version that's just Dar and the guitar.*

*And yes, I know that rhymes. Not intentional.

Edited to correct: Upon a comparison listening of the two songs (not basing my opinion on just my memory), I realize that the version on Out There Live is also an up-tempo version with more instruments than just an acoustic guitar (no didgeridoo, though). And now I'm torn between the two versions. I don't know if my memory of an acoustic version was based on seeing her live this summer, or what. Blame it on pregnancy brain...

Together Again

My work friend C, who was also trying to concieve, has been successful! Last night around 6:45 p.m., I got a text message from her that said: I think I'm pregnant! Very faint line but def there! I was so excited I got chills.

We were pregnant together the first time, and we were both trying this summer, but we were both worried that one of us would be successful and one wouldn't. I personally thought it would be her, since she's ten years younger than me and only took three months to concieve her daughter. But then this cycle (which was to be her last try until next spring, because she can't afford to take time off during the school year), she thought her timing was off and she had missed her chance. She didn't even tell me she was going to test, but last night she was in Walmart and the tests just called out to her.

I'm praying that this goes well for both of us. I have such a hard time not worrying, especially in the beginning. I can't believe our good fortune that this baby is planned to coincide perfectly with the school year. I keep expecting something to take that away from us. I need to hear a heartbeat, but my first prenatal appointment isn't until the end of October. Once that happens, I'll worry until my amnio at 16 weeks. Then I'll worry until 24 weeks, when the baby is viable. Then I'll worry until delivery.

I asked the Hubster what he thought about renting or buying a doppler this time, and he said, "I have a better idea; why don't I just yell really loudly at your uterus every night?" Okay, I understand his feelings... but he didn't have to be so sarcastic about it.

Obsessing on hCG levels

From Babymed.

Repeat beta

Repeat beta was 295 at 14 dpo. Wow! I will say no more on the subject of multiples, other than I am still above the median beta for both singleton (118) and multiples (210) as of 14 dpo. Progesterone was 272 at 12dpo and 420 at 14dpo, but my doctor still wants me to stay on the Prochieve until I am eight weeks.

On a related note, I tried a Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor stick in a Clearblue Easy Digital Pregnancy Test last night as an experiment. It said "pregnant." Now, I don't know if it would give a false positive if you weren't pregnant (the sticks are meant to pick up LH and Estrogen, and LH is a near twin of hCG) but it won't give a false negative. It also saved me ten bucks from not having to buy a digital to have a picture for the baby book.

Beta, beta... Saaa-wing, beta!*

My first beta came back at 91 at 12dpo. According to Betabase, that's slightly above average, so I felt pretty good about it. After I talked to the doctor's office, I texted the Hubster.

Me: My beta hcg level was 91 at 12dpo. That's good. If you want more info, try betabase.info
Hubster: (obviously after consulting Betabase) It's nice to see that your level is firmly in the multiples range, too.
Me: I've heard that a high beta doesn't necessarily mean multiples.
Hubster: On the charts, levels for multiples were higher than for singles. And yours was above the median for both, but within the range for both.

What I didn't tell him is that a high hcg level can also indicate a molar pregnancy or down's syndrome. I'm not jumping to any conclusions. I'm going to wait until the repeat comes back before I freak out about anything. I know you can't base anything on a single beta result.

Today after work, I rush to get to the hospital lab before it closes so I can have my second beta done.

*Okay, who's tired of the cheesy puns already?

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!*

I was every bit as shocked yesterday when I got a positive home pregnancy test at 12 dpo as I was when I got one at 12dpo with the Monkeyboy. I've been so superstitious this cycle, I didn't even have a "good" test in the house, so I tested with a Dollar Store test and an internet cheapie strip. The Dollar Store test looked just like it did with the Monkeyboy! The cheapie did, too!

So I took a sick day and went to get a quantitative blood test (beta), which I will repeat tomorrow to make sure it's doubling. I also bought a "real" test, an Answer Early, and got a nice, dark line. Of course, I'm sure I will test frequently this week until I get my betas back.

Already, though, this feels different than July when I had the early miscarriage. This feels just like it did with the Monkey. Sore breasts, mild crampiness, exhaustion, the powerful-sense-of-smell (my pregnancy superpower), a little very mild nausea (I never had morning sickness last time, just mild nausea when my stomach was empty).

My due date is May 28. Even if this baby comes early (like the Monkeyboy), it's still perfect timing for a teacher. I got my wish! (In more ways than one).

*You know in your mind you heard Gomer Pyle say that!

No News is Good News

There are a lot of cutesy acronyms and expression used on message boards for women trying to conceive. Baby dust, sticky vibes... I don't know that I've ever used any of them. I stick to the acronyms that are merely practical: TTC (trying to conceive), CD (cycle day), DPO (days past ovulation), CBEFM (Clearblue Easy Fertility Monitor). These save me time from having to write out the long words. Practical.

In fact, one of the cutesy ones has never made sense to me: PUPO. Pregnant until proven otherwise. It just seemed like the height of denial to think that way. Women would use that expression and I'd put them in the same category as women who analyze possible pregnancy symptoms at 2 DPO. That's a nice fantasy world you live in, Darlin'. (Or, as Fraser Crane once asked of Cliff Claven, "I wonder... what color is the sky in your world, Cliff?"). I just couldn't understand that kind of thinking.

Until this cycle. In every medicated cycle, because I take progesterone, I have to test at some point. Because if I'm not pregnant, I have to stop the progesterone so I can get my period and be on to the next cycle. So for my first three cycles of Clomid, I've tested. Every month my doctor has sent me for a progesterone check and quantitative hCG. I've also tested at home first, though. Based on the fact that somehow there are a lot of crazy women on my message boards that get positives at 8 and 9 DPO, I've started testing at 8 or 9 DPO. And I've tested every day (sometimes twice a day, I'm embarassed to admit) up through day 13, 14, and sometimes 15, through when I stopped progesterone and my period eventually came.

This month I don't want to test. Last month my doctor's secretary forgot to send me the prescription for my bloodwork, so I called and she told me I could pick on up on my way to the lab. This month again, I again have no prescription, but I didn't call to ask for one. And I'm not yet going to take a home pregnancy test. I don't want to face stark white negative after negative. I want to live with the illusion that maybe, it's possible, it could be that this time it worked. If I don't test, I have nothing to contradict that assumption. I'm pregnant until proven otherwise.

So I finally understand what those women are talking about. Just like me, they realize that there are only a few days each cycle when hope is alive. There are only a few peaceful days when I'm not taking a medication, or testing and waiting for ovulation, or scheduling reproductive sex, or taking pregnancy tests. It's nice to treasure those days, preserve it for as long as possible.

Today I am 9 DPO. I am going to try to resist testing until Monday morning, when I'll be 12 DPO. By that time I can be fairly certain of whatever result I get. If it's negative, I'll test again at 13 DPO and then stop my progesterone. And be on to the next cycle.

I also (finally!) called today and made an appointment with the RE for October 9.

6DPO

Six days past ovulation. I'm trying not to get my hopes up, but it's hard not to. I'll have an idea by this weekend if this cycle is a success.

Today I gave my work friend C a few supplies: a tube of Pre-Seed, a packet of Pre, six OPKs and what I had left of a bottle of EPO. This may be her last cycle TTC until next summer. She told me after her last cycle failed that this time she wasn't going to get all worked up this cycle, worry about it, test, or anything. And then I have to go, like the drug dealer I am, and bring her all the tools of obsession. (Last cycle I brought her cheapie HPTs to test with, too.)

Over the weekend, my friend H told me about a baby girl she knew about that might be available for adoption. The Hubster and I haven't discussed adoption since we were trying to get pregnant the first time, three years ago. At that point we had decided that if we weren't pregnant by a certain month, we'd start the adoption process. We had decided against IVF, since we had limited money and it was no guarantee (I know too many women who've paid thousands for no success). My sister-in-law had done IVF unsuccessfully and was pursuing adoption when she -- like all those stories we hear -- got pregnant with her miracle baby naturally (to be followed by another miracle baby two and a half years later). But I asked her opinion on all of it and she said if she had it to do over again, she would've gone straight to adoption. In her words, "Pregnancy lasts nine months, Motherhood is forever." She said that she assessed her goals and realized that parenting, not gestating, was what it was all about. And adoption is a lot closer to a guarantee of parenthood than IVF, especially if you are spending the same money.

We pursued information about this little girl for about a day, as we decided that we were very interested in her. What we discovered is that the situation is very complicated. The little girl (about 18 months old) has an infant brother who is in the process of being adopted by a couple who are also interested in adopting the little girl. Their father, who put them both into foster care, never bonded with the little boy, as he was a newborn when he was put into foster care, but did bond with the little girl. Right now the adoptive family is waiting for the boy's adoption to be finalized before they pursue the little girl, because they're worried that -- due some sketchy behavior on the part of the birth father -- both adoptions could end up canceled if they don't set the course appropriately. I hope it works out for them, because I think that the siblings should be together.

But it made me realize that even though we already have a biological child, we're still open to the idea of adoption. I have been thinking about it recently, but wondering what it would be like to have a family that was blended like that. (What I really should be thinking is, Duh, Jen, The Hubster has an adopted sister you've known for over twenty years, since she was a child. What's that like?). Sometimes I just can't see the forest for the trees.

Risk

Here's something I didn't know. The risk of multiple births is higher from IUI than it is from IVF, mainly because IVF allows more control over how many eggs are fertilized and transfered.

Scary.

Ambivalence

Call it a defense mechanism, but I'm starting to feel the same low-level ambivalence that I felt earlier this spring when we started to try for baby #2. At the time I think I was trying to protect myself against the stress that I knew was coming. The sense of urgency, the long waits, the feeling of failure, the inevitable depression.

I told myself that it might be better to quit while I was ahead. I have a healthy son and, since I'm getting older, that might not happen again. I also didn't suffer much "damage" from my pregnancy. I escaped stretch marks (the Monkey was six weeks early and I've heard that most stretch marks come in the last month). My breast are a little less perky, but I'm hoping to be able to lift them once I'm done with kids. If I never got pregnant again, I could fix them that much earlier. We are struggling to try to get the modifications done to the house sooner rather than later in case we have another baby. If we didn't have another, we could take our time with those projects.

Then I pushed all those thoughts away. I've always thought that I would have kids (plural). I have many misgivings about only children (based on a mother and three close friends that are only children). I think that it would be lonely and burdensome to be an only child. (This is only my opinion. Your mileage may vary). So we forged ahead with the fertility treatment.

Since then, more recent events have made me again start thinking that maybe just one kid wouldn't be the worst life development ever:

The first cycle of Clomid didn't work. Or the second (well, not really). Or the third. Now I'm on my fourth and facing making an appointment with an RE and spending money we don't have to conceive a child (you know, that thing that most other people get to do for free).

Toward the end of this summer, a woman who was about my age, who had a child that was about the Monkeyboy's age, who was a member of Fertility Friend (my online charting program and message board), died while giving birth to baby #2. (The baby surivived.) This had the Holy Shit! effect on me. Apparently she had a very rare complication, an amniotic embolism. Yes, it's very rare, but still... it gave me pause.

Just yesterday, one of my friends at work, Y, asked if the Hubster and I wanted to put together a team with him for the 24 Hour Championship Challenge next August. I would've been the token chick on the team so they could compete in the 5-person Co-ed category. I haven't done a mountain bike race since I did the 24 Hours of Snowshoe back in 2001. But since I don't know where I'll be in terms of fertility treatment/pregnancy/post-birth infant-care & breastfeeding, I can't commit. They have to enter as a 4-man Sport team (they can't even enter as a vet/master team, because Y won't be 35 yet (as the Hubster put it, "Damn kid!").

My sister-in-law is obsessed with the house we stayed in at the Outer Banks this summer and wants to try to get together a group of families to rent it again next summer. The $100 per month that we'd have to put away to be able to do that is just not possible with the chance of having to pay out-of-pocket for more advanced fertility treatments. And even if we could afford it, just like with the mountian bike race, I don't know where I'll be in the Baby #2 process. I'd love to be one of those women that says "I'm not going to schedule my life around this" but at my age, it's what I have to do.

Deep down I still want another baby. I think that this ambivalence -- this pretended ambivalence -- really is a defense mechanism. The proverbial sour grapes.

Lyrically Speaking

Jennifer Juniper, hair of golden flax
Jennifer Juniper, longs for what she lacks
Do you like her? Yes, I do, sir.
Would you love her? Yes, I would, sir.
What'cha doin', Jennifer my love?

-- Donovan, "Jennifer Juniper," The Hurdy Gurdy Man (1968)

Peak!

There are many places where I've read that you might not get a peak the first month using a fertility monitor, because the monitor needs to learn your cycles. However, this morning I got a peak reading (backed up by a very positive OPK, done at 5:00 a.m. to boot).

Even if I hadn't gotten a peak, though, I think I would have known that this was it. I've had pretty serious ovulation pain these past few months on Clomid. This month is no exception. It has me curious as to whether that's all it is, simple ovulation pain, or whether it could signal something else, like an ovarian cyst. (I'm sure I'll be consulting Dr. Google before too long.)

I still haven't called the RE to make an appointment, but I also need to call the vet and the dentist to make appointments that are completely unrelated to my fertility (one would hope!), so I think it's just general procrastination and not some other subconscious impulse.

Project CM

This cycle, since I'm not taking estradiol, I'm a little more worried about my uterine lining than usual, because for some women Clomid can thin it. Even in unmedicated cycles, I usually don't have much fertile cervical mucus (CM), the bodily fluid that is like a superhighway for sperm (just another side-effect of being old, I guess). On top of my natural deficit, Clomid can negatively effect fertile CM (in previous cycles, the estradiol was also supposed to help with this).

So I decided that instead of just supplementing with Pre-Seed (the sperm friendly lubricant) like I usually do, I'd actually take some steps to try to improve my own supply of fertile CM.

Some women swear by Evening Primrose Oil (EPO), and I've taken it in the past, but since I'm already taking Omega 3-6-9, I thought I better not. What I will do is eat baby carrots and drink some green tea (not too much, though, because green tea can interfere with the body's ability to absorb folic acid).

I'm curious to see if this will make a difference. I've had a decent amount of CM already this cycle, which is unsual for me. But going into this weekend and through the beginning of next week (when I expect to ovulate) is when it's going to be most important.

Crying Baby, Puking Cat

Four days into the school year and I would've taken a sick day if it weren't for the simple fact that I just mentioned... it's only four days into the school year.

The Monkey has been doing this nightwaking/night terrors thing a couple of time a week that we can't seem to get a handle on. So for the last two nights I've been up around 1:00 or 2:00 a.m. trying to calm him down and get him back to sleep. I was talking about this with a friend over the weekend and she commented on how, when you have a newborn, you learn to function on very little sleep for a long period of time. Then once you're back in the everyone-sleeps-through-the-night groove, having that pattern interrupted feels like absolute torture and ruins your entire day.

To add to the joy of it all, last night after the house had just finally gotten back to sleep, the Jungle Cat decided it was time to yark up a big pool of something. Of course I had to get up again to clean it up. He's had a few of these vomiting episodes recently, so it seems like a trip to the vet is in order. This is not your regular old cat puke, this is projectile vomiting of large proportions. Yuck.

So that was my night. Not as theatrically spectacular as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon, but with much less sword-play.

This is why The List is fluid.

I just need to say that I'm a little disappointed in Dave Grohl. Based on the video for The Pretender, he's let his hair grow again and his beard fill out and so, to me, he's just not as hot as he once was.


We'll call this picture, Old Hot Dave.

He's not off The List yet, but I'm keeping my eyes (and options) open.

But, wait... there's more!

On Wednesday I started back to work (school) and spent some time talking to my friend C. She has a daughter almost exactly 5 months younger than the Monkeyboy. (Born a little after 1 a.m. a day too late. I always tell her, "If you would have just pushed a little harder, they could have been exactly five months apart...")

She has also been trying to get pregnant again this summer. We teachers always aim for the spring months -- April, May and June -- because then we can maximize our maternity leave. We don't really get a lot of other paid days we can take throughout the year, since we have this "built in"vacation. With her daughter, they were successful on month 3 of trying and were lucky enough to have a spring due date. This time they're on month 3 of trying (in the Two Week Wait right now) for #2. She and her hubby are younger than the Hubster and I and they're building a house, so financially if they don't conceive by October they have to take a break until next summer. They just can't afford for her to take off too much time during the school year. (Her hubby also tends to get seasonally laid off.) I wish her the best. She emailed me about a month ago to tell me she wasn't pregnant yet (and to ask if I was) and I was so disappointed. She's one of those people I expect to get pregnant easily, so it's like, if she can't...

After talking to her a bit, getting her take on things, I decided to call my OB (I wish I could come up with a cool nom de guerre for him like other blogs do for their doctors, but I haven't been able to come up with anything that fits yet). I thought that although he originally said he'd only let me do three cycles of Clomid before referring me to an RE, the fact that I had that early miscarriage in July might make a difference. I mean, it shows that Clomid works for me and that I can get pregnant.

So I called him on Wednesday, spoke to the nurse and left a message. I never heard back. I called on Thursday and spoke to the nurse again. I explained I had already left a message the day before. She remembered and was surprised he hadn't called me back already. I explained that I was at that moment on Cycle Day 3 and if he would let me do another Clomid cycle I needed to start that day. I explained how I wondered if my miscarriage made a difference when it came to the "three cycles" deal. She put me on hold and when she came back said that, although the doctor was doing surgery, she spoke to the PA (who I love!) and the PA said that "it was not unreasonable to think that they'd let you [me] do another cycle or two of Clomid, because of the miscarriage." And that the doctor would call me back when he got out of surgery.

Which he didn't do.

This morning, my nerves stretched taught like a bowstring (after quietly crying myself to sleep last night), I called again. The nurse was surprised (again!) that he hadn't called me back. She said that he was due in the office at 10:30 and promised that he would call me this morning.

Let me just say, I was so irritated that I almost made an RE appointment before he even had a chance to call me back. That's how sure I was that his not calling me back was a reflection of his unwillingness to let me cycle again. But I told myself: "This is an OB/GYN in a solo practice (Yes, very rare in this day and age, but you know exactly who will have his hand(s) up your hoo-ha at your delivery). Maybe he was at a delivery or some other emergency last night. See what he has to say."

I'm so very glad I waited.

He called (a little after 11:00) and said that yes, it made complete sense to do another cycle of Clomid. I had a clear HSG. I had gotten pregnant on Clomid, but it just hadn't stuck. It was working. So we could do another cycle. He also explained that when he said three cycles, he was saying he didn't want to waste my time if it wasn't working. I was 37, not 27... and that makes a lot of difference.

I agree. During my wait for his call, I checked out the CDC statistics for the fertility clinic I'm considering. Did you know that when they compute success rates, they group patients into categories by age and those age groups are:

• <35
• 35-37
• 38-40
• 41-42

I was surprised that 37 was a "cut off" for an age group. My doctor explain that just as there's a drop in fertility at age 35, there's another serious drop at 37. So, he said diplomatically, time is of the essence.

I may make an appointment with the RE anyway, just in case there's a waiting list. And to get the preliminary tests out of the way. But for now, I'm cycling again. This cycle, because of the delay, I'm doing 50 mgs of Clomid days 4-8 (instead of 3-7) and foregoing the Estradiol because he "doesn't think that it's important." (Okay, whatever, he's the one with the M.D). I'm still going to use Prochieve after O.

And the most wonderful news of all: When I went to pick up my prescription, there were two refills. That made me the happiest of all.

My List, Revisited

You know My List?

Well, it turns out that John Corbett has a band. The John Corbett Band. And they tour. And they're coming to a city near me. Tomorrow.

Frieda and I are going to go.

School's In!

The school year started today, for teachers at least. I'm not glad to be back, but I'm glad to be back in a routine.

On To an RE

The third and final cycle of Clomid was a bust. (My period just started as I was writing this. Yay.) I've been posting on message boards asking for help navigating insurance and references for a doctor, since it looks like I'm moving on to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

When I put in my temp yesterday, Fertility Friend took away my crosshairs and said it couldn't determine a clear ovulation date. To restore my O date, I had to go in and exclude one pre-O temp that was very high (because of the Clomid maybe?) and one post-O temp that was very low (I've been sleeping with my mouth open because of my allergies). Still, it's just one more thing that makes me wonder what's going on with my cycles.

Things I'm also doing different, while I wait for an RE appointment:

Ordered a Clearblue Fertility Monitor off eBay. I figured it can't hurt and might help me make sense of my cycles. I thought I knew what was going on with my body, until the Ovusoft software made me question what I thought I knew. Because I'm such a control freak, though, I still plan on using OPKs. Shhh... don't tell The Hubster. He thinks this will save me money in the long run from not having to buy OPKs. He also isn't aware that the monitor takes sticks which are more expensive than my internet cheapie OPKs.

Started Vaginal Temping. I haven't been taking my allergy medicines (yes, that's a S -- there are several I take) because of this whole TTC thing, so I've really been suffering this summer. I've also been sleeping with my mouth open and my temps have been really kerflooey. I've resisted vaginal temping, not because I'm squeamish (nothing could be further from the truth), but because it seems like a little more of a pain ...and it seems a little weird, too. But to sort out the temp confusion, I ordered a new BD Basal Thermometer and started vaginal temping a couple of days ago. I'm still oral temping, too, for comparison. That's a whole lotta beeping going on in the morning.

Started Taking Omega 3-6-9. Yes, this is one of those kooky things that people suggest on message boards, but what can it hurt? I've taken Evening Primrose Oil (EPO) in the past to try to increase my CM and I think I remember it working, but it's not safe to take after O (can cause uterine contractions). Also, you can't take it with Clomid. Omega 3-6-9 has moved up the O date of some women who are later-ovulators or even annovulatory, so I figured it's worth a shot.

I have some phone calls I still need to make to find an RE, although I already have an idea of where I'll go. But since I know several people who've used REs in the past five years, I thought I'd ask them all what they thought before making a final decision. I also have to check with our insurance to see what exactly is covered and what is excluded ("assisted fertilization" is excluded, but what exactly do they mean by that?).

My List

There are so many types of lists I could be referring to, but this one is the Friends-inspired list of celebrities you're allowed to sleep with and no one can get mad, even if you're already in a relationship. I personally have spun off that theme into two levels, Top 5 and Bottom 5 based on different qualifications. I have some very specific requirements, but this is my fantasy, after all.

Top 5
My Top 5 are celebrities that I think are really smart, cool and interesting:

• Lance Armstrong
  
• Dave Grohl (with the short hair and stubbly beard he's had since around 2002 when One by One came out)
• John Corbett (circa Northern Exposure, or even his second round as Aiden on Sex and the City)
  
• Edward Norton
• Keanu Reeves (Yes, I know, there's all the "Is he really gay? controversy, but ever since Point Break, I've had this thing for him. He must have short hair, though, if he's going to git wit me.)
  

Bottom 5
This is sort of the "alternates" list. For The Hubster, I always tell him it's where he should put women who can substitute in case one of his Top 5 is unable to fulfill her duties (for example, if she's pregnant). For me, these are celebrities that I'd like to sleep with, but that aren't allowed to talk because they'd probably annoy me. You know what I mean, they have to come over after 9 p.m. and aren't allowed to still be there in the morning (definitely must qualify as hot to make this list):

• Ryan Reynolds (with the body he had in Blade III)
• Taye Diggs (Did you know his real first name is Scott and that "Taye" is a shortened form of the nickname "Scottaye?")
• Heath Ledger
  

(That's all I can think of right now for my Bottom 5. I'm just too damn picky.)

A third list, just for fun, is my "Fictional Characters" list. These are fictional characters that I'd like to date. Not the actors that play them, just the characters they play (but I guess in that case, I'd have to be a fictional character, too).

• Dr. John Carter (ER)
• Josh Lyman (The West Wing)

One additional note. Unlike the traditional "laminated list" (which cannot be changed), The Hubster and I frequently change our list (especially our Bottom 5, which pretty much has a revolving door). However, any changes must be announced well in advance. I've already told him that it won't work to walk in somewhere and say "Hey-there's-Eva-Longoria-oh-yeah-she's-on-my-list" if it's the first time you've mentioned her. It goes against the whole essence of the list.

Holy Discrepancies, Batman!

Although I have been using Fertility Friend charting for three years now (!), I decided to buy the Ovusoft software (The Taking Charge of Your Fertility Software) to use, too. I tried the fifteen day free trial of Ovusoft back in May because FF seemed off that month, so I wanted a second opinion. I liked it, although there are some big differences between the two programs.

Yesterday the software came in the mail, so I spent hours inputting all my data for the last three years. The results have been shocking. Although Fertility Friend always has given me an ovulation date, Ovusoft has me as annovulatory for just about every cycle since the monkeyboy was born, except the ones where I used an OPK. However, even for the ovulatory cycles, it hasn't given me any coverlines, so I'm wondering is something off with the program or the settings.

I'm still fiddling with it, and I'll probably end up posting on the message boards there asking for help, but it does have me wondering a couple of things. First of all, if I have been annovulatory all those cycles, then I definitely need medication to help me ovulate. But also, if Ovusoft is right, then what's up with Fertility Friend? Here I've been thinking every month that I have a biphasic shift and an ovulation pattern (based on their assessment), but that may not be true and I should have been more aggressive with fertility treatment this summer.

I'm not sure who to believe.

Oh, yeah: BFN on the home pregnancy tests I've taken, so although the bloodwork results from yesterday aren't back yet, it still looks like I'm onto see an RE.

Cycle News*

Where I'm at: CD21, 6DPO
Cycle # 3 of Clomid, Estradiol and Progesterone.

The Hubster and I only had to attempt procreative sex twice while at the crowded beach house, but I didn't actually O until a few days after we came home, so we were able to make our best attempts at home.

For obvious reasons, I'm not feeling optimistic. This is the last cycle my OB will let me do with him. He's referring me to an RE after this. I don't know how we would begin to afford this, after all the financial difficulties we've experienced recently.

That's where it stands. I go this coming Friday (the 17) for bloodwork.


*And no, I do not mean Cycle News.

Dar Williams

Last night Dar Williams played a free concert at a nearby outdoor amphitheater. Since it was a nice family-friendly venue, we decided to go and take the Monkeyboy (to save the money we'd have paid a babysitter). Also, it would be his first concert and I thought it was a good choice of artist, venue and crowd for that.

The show was excellent, and though the turn out was good, it wasn't crowded. Many people brought children or dogs (or children and dogs), and everyone had food and drink. The Hubster was disappointed that he hadn't brought any beer, since although it was not technically permitted, everyone had alcohol, some even had wine in wineglasses. The crowd was mellow, so security didn't seem to care.

On the drive there, we debated what we thought she'd play and what we hoped she'd play. the Hubster said he was sure she's play The Babysitter's Here and The Christians and the Pagans. I agreed, and she did. He wanted to hear Spring Street and Iowa and he did (Iowa was the encore). I wanted to hear As Cool As I Am (yes!) and What Do You Hear in These Sounds (no --bummer). One newer song I hadn't heard (we haven't bought her new album yet) was Teen for God. She also played the Mercy of the Fallen and Are you Out There. This is by far not a complete set list; I can't remember everything she played.

There was a group of women and children up front that screamed and danced and had a great time, which Dar seemed to enjoy. When she discussed her DVD, she said it made her aware that she talks a lot during her sets, maybe too much, but the yelling and clapping that followed that statement showed that the crowd didn't agree. When that happened she laughed and thanked everyone for the sentiment.

Although the show didn't even start until the Monkeyboy's bedtime, he was a trooper throughout. He enjoyed himself, had some snacks, met some dogs and did some dancing, even if he didn't pay too much attention to Dar herself.

The crowd was nice, clean and polite. And although we left quickly when it ended, I bet there wasn't any litter.

Warped Tour

Yesterday (as part of my Big Birthday Celebration), the Hubster and I went to the Warped Tour. My main motivation was to see Bad Religion and Flogging Molly, although there were some other bands I wanted to check out, too. We were supposed to have been accompanied by Frieda and Beamer & OldChristine, but all three bailed the night before (which was rude).

It was a record-setting high temperature of a day (91), humidity at 75-90%, forecast with isolated thunderstorms. Although the doors opened at 11:00, we didn't arrive until almost 1:00 due to a late wake-up and terrible traffic.

It wasn't as crowded as I expected it to be, but the crowd demographics were what I thought they'd be: mostly teens and twenties, with some thirties, forties and even older people scattered throughout. We were by far not the oldest people there, but we were on the upper end of the spectrum.

As were were orienting ourselves to the layout, we passed on of the smaller stages on which Lourds was playing. I'd never seen or heard of them before, but the few songs I heard left me impressed and curious enough to buy their CD. I'm also always looking for new women in music.

We had a beer and wandered around, but made sure to hear Tiger Army play mid-afternoon. My favorite thing about them (in addition to the music) was that they had an electric-blue upright bass. Unexpected. It started to lightly rain during their set, but as the weather had been hot, sunny and humid it was a welcome change. Afterwards, the days remained mostly overcast which sort of took the edge off.

I was interested in hearing Meg and Dia (who I ended up being unimpressed by), so we got an ice cream cone (to beat the heat) and went to sit at the main pavilion which was set up as both the Smart Punk stage and the Hurley.com stage. I was exhausted, so I leaned back in my seat, closed my eyes and drifted off for a bit. It's amazing that I could take a nap in an uncomfortable stadium style seat, in 90-degree heat, during a punk show, but it's a skill I honed during my years of college, ebing able to nap just about anywhere. The band that played while I "napped" (I was still sort-of aware of what was going on) I found out later was called Static Lullaby. I thought it was very fitting, because that's what it was. Lots of distortion and unintelligible lyrics, which I tried to sleep through.

Following Static Lullaby was Boys Like Girls, who I was also unfamiliar with, but had clear expectations based on all the cute, clean-cut teenage girls wearing their t-shirts. They were entertaining, if not unique, and had a pop sound.

Hawthorne Heights was finishing up their set as we made our way towards the Lucky stage to hear the big hitters of the late afternoon. Paramour followed them, playing on the next stage over. I liked them and think I maybe should've picked up a CD (in my quest for women rockers). Coheed and Cambria I didn't enjoy as much as I thought I would, although they are talented.

Two of the later bands of the day were who we came to see. Bad Religion played an awesome set and made the whole day well worth the trip. They're so earnest in their lyrics, so political. The Hubster commented that he gestures like he's having a conversation with you as he sings. I was disappointed that they didn't play Los Angeles is Burning (my favorite), but all their material is great. What other band could use "transubstantiation" in their lyrics and have it flow very naturally?

Flogging Molly followed Bad Religion on the same stage. They were also very good (I've seen them before). One disappointment is that they chose to play two of their new, unreleased songs. Normally I don't mind -- and even welcome -- hearing new material, but in a festival environment when a band only plays a half-hour set, they should stick to what people want. Playing a new songs means there's something I was hoping hear didn't get played. I can allow for one, but two?

As for mosh pits and the like, there was nothing too large or amazing, although people moshed and crowd-surfed at all the major sets. The biggest asshole of the day award goes to the guy who got up to crowd surf with a lighted cigarette in his hand. If I was up there, I'd have dropped him on his head.

On that note, there's one more thing I must comment on. I've never been to any sort of venue, festival or otherwise, where I have seen so much littering and general disregard for the common good. In addition to bottles, cups and food wrappers strewn about, people seemed to deliberately find stuff to turn into litter (the Krishnas were handing out free books on "enlightenment" and I saw a few that had been shredded and thrown on the ground). Also, there were groups of immature teenage and twenty-something boys who threw bottles and things into the crowd and mosh pits, for the purpose of just generally stirring the pot. During one set, apparently a guy in a mosh pit deliberately threw an entire beer at a girl. I can't remember the band, but the lead singer pointed him out as security came to drag the guy away. My solution to all this: The idiots running the "Anarchy" booth should have to clean up the grounds the next day.

It was a great (if draining) day. We capped it off by a late showing of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

Return to the Mundane

I'm back from vacation. It was a wonderful escape from the stress of the past few months. I'll post a full update in a few days, when I have the time.

Still Rippin'

Ripping our CD collection to put on our iPods is almost a full time job. And just when I feel like I've made some headway... Two trips to Half Price Books equals fourteen new CDs.

We also have decided to rip some of our audiobooks for our upcoming vacation. We're developing quite a collection that we usually save for long roadtrips. First up: Lisey's Story by Stephen King. Neither the Hubster or I have read the book so we decided it was perfect for our upcoming vacation. The wonderful thing about Stephen King's audiobooks is that they're unabridged. The only audiobooks that I am willing to buy that are abridged are Bill Bryson's stuff, because some of it doesn't come unabridged and he's just so damn entertaining.

We leave tomorrow for two nights/three days at our friends' lake house and then return home for a frenzy of laundry and repacking to leave the next pre-dawn morning for the Outer Banks. So, a blogging hiatus of sorts is about to commence. Back in August!

Whew!

The rollercoaster ride is over. I started bleeding full force this morning, so I called my doctor's office to see if he'd let me do another Clomid cycle right away. They finally called me back and said they were calling in my prescriptions. Yay!

One positive thing about this is that it pushed the current cycle back a week, so I won't be ovulating while we're in the Outer Banks with my my entire cadre of in-laws. That was going to have been fun, trying to conceive while living in a house with eight other adults and four children.

If this cycle works (and I'm praying that it does -- big talk for an atheist!), I'd have a due date of the end of April (depending on when I actually ovulate). That would be perfect, since I'm just about out of days to take at work. If we move to more advanced treatments and end up conceiving later, I'm not sure how that will work out regarding maternity leave and childcare. I hate the thought of putting a tiny baby into daycare. We were able to wait until the Monkey was six months before he had to go to daycare. I know my other-in-law would probably be willing to come stay with us again for a while, but I'd like that to be no more than a month, not the three months she did last time. (I'm not even sure we could convince her to stay that long again, anyway.)

One final note: The 16DPO beta was 9.1.

Spot has arrived.

Woof woof.

What's a Girl Gotta Do To Have a Miscarriage Around Here?

Eighteen days past ovulation. Still not spotting. Still getting negatives on tests. Still no call from the doctor.

Saturday Night Freak Show

I had a little breakdown earlier tonight and just had to get out of the house and be alone. Where to go on a Saturday night when you're alone and broke and it's already 8:00?

Why, Half Price Books, of course.

Who's at Half Price Books at 9:00 on a Saturday Night? (Other than me, obviously). Guys in their twenties who still live with their moms and shop with them at Half Price Books on a Saturday night. Weird, bearded older men who wander around with cups of coffee and stare at women, but don't really seem to be shopping for books. Gaunt, stiffly-dressed older men who scour the clearance books in the back and make a list (about what?) on a little piece of paper. Well-dressed women who don't look like they've had their hair styled (or even brushed) in months. Sheltered teenage girls who consult their mothers on every purchase they're considering making.

Where do I fit into this Freak Show? I was excited to find a CD of the West Side Story Soundtrack in the clearance section for $2.00. And I listened to it on the drive home. 'Nuff said.

Now With All of the Nausea But None of the Baby!

I didn't hear from the doctor last night and I'm not sure if I'll hear from him over the weekend. I doubt it. It looks like I have to wait until Monday for the official word and to discuss what's going to happen.

I took another Dollar Store test this morning and it was negative. Seriously stark white. Whatever HCG there was in my system has obviously dropped below a level detectable by home tests (so below about 25).

I'm still not spotting or anything. I haven't taken any more progesterone (since the tube I used on Thursday after talking to the doctor and getting the positive tests). The really crummy part of all this is I feel like shit. I'm exhausted, my breasts are really sore, I'm crampy and nauseated. This situation hasn't even progressed enough to be considered hell; I'm in purgatory.

No News Is Not Good New In This Case

I'm really not feeling optimistic, because I took another two HPTs this morning (another Dollar Store one and a cheapie strip from early-pregnancy-tests.com). They weren't any darker (maybe even lighter?). With the Monkey, I got a positive test at 12DPO and the tests got darker every day. It just seems that by 16DPO, if this one was going to stick, it'd be progressing more. That first beta was on Monday and it's Friday now, so if it was doubling I'd think I'd show pretty dark on HPTs by now, since most of them detect anything over 25.

They didn't draw my blood for my second beta until a little after 11 a.m., so who knows if I'll hear back today. When I got home this afternoon, I took another FRER and an old-style (two-piece) Clear Blue Easy digital (one that was left from the two-pack from when I got pg with the Monkey, and it expired after this month anyway). The line on the FRER came up within the time but was definitely lighter than last night and the digital said "Not Pregnant" (I've read that the old style are sensitive to 50). If this pregnancy was progressing the way it should, my hCG level should be around at least 250.

I'm wondering what my doctor's going to make me do now. I was supposed to start my third round of Clomid, but until I bleed, I'm in limbo. I really hope he doesn't make me take a break, because I only have two more chances to conceive to have a spring baby. I really was hoping we'd have a workable due date. If I don't get pregnant within the next two or three cycles, we'll have to take a few months break (maybe even as much as six) because we won't be able to afford maternity leave that doesn't use part of the summer.

I really, really want to get on with this. I wish the doctor would call so we could discuss the plan. I wish I would start bleeding so I could move onto the next cycle.

Okay, I May Have (Inadvertently) Lied A Little Bit...

I'd like to type the F word about ten times in a row right now.

Okay, I will.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. (Yes, I know that was only seven, but it just seemed right)

On Monday, 12 Days Past Ovulation, I went in for my beta hCG, but of course I Peed On A Stick* (POAS) first. Big Fat Negative.

So the next day (13DPO), I POAS again, still BFN, and stopped my progesterone. I waited for my doctor to call so we could talk about going on to my third (and final) round of Clomid. That day I didn't hear from the doc.

14DPO: POAS again, BFN. (Well, I'd been getting wicked evaporation lines on everything for days, but they were showing up way after the time, like an hour later, so I ignored them). Still didn't hear from my doctor's office. AF hasn't shown either.

15 DPO (today): POAS; BFN again. So I called my doctor's office and spoke to the nurse about getting a refill for Clomid and the other stuff I'm on. Lied and told her it was CD1 (Where the hell is AF anyway? I thought). She said she'd check with the doc or the PA and call it in this afternoon. (Still getting those evaps on everything, but not until after the ten minute limit).

At 6:30 tonight, my doctor called. Asked if I was bleeding heavily. I told him no, I just assumed AF would start today, because I feel crampy (true), but that I'm not bleeding at all. He said my 12DPO beta was 11. He considers 10 pregnant, but told me that 11 isn't good (duh) and wants me to come in for a repeat beta tomorrow morning. (He said, "Don't celebrate yet. We need to see what your numbers do and if you'll miscarry." Blunt guy, I know, but his direct honesty is one of the things I like about him).

Of course, I run and POAS (Dollar Store, First Response Early Result and Answer) and all come up faintly + within the time limit.

WTF?!

I didn't tell my doctor that I stopped progesterone, but I did run and take some after all of this.

Of course, I checked Betabase and by their reports, it's not completely dismal. But it's not good enough to be called even mildly "okay," either. Come on, a beta hCG of 11 at 12 DPO? It's got to be a chemical pregnancy. I refuse to get my hopes up.

*(Well, I actually PIAC (pee in a cup) and dip the stick, but it doesn't have the cute, recognizable message board acronym).

What's a Girl Gotta Do To Get Knocked Up Around Here?

Fuck. Two down, one to go. After a slew of negative home pregnancy tests, I went in yesterday for my beta and progesterone check. This morning I stopped my progesterone and just have to wait to my period to start before I call my doctor for my third (and last!) cycle of Clomid.

My favorite part of the whole experience yesterday was my longer-than-usual wait to get my blood drawn. I always bring a book, so it wasn't the actual wait that made me want to scream. No, it was that less than five minutes after I sat down on a couch in the incredibly large waiting room, a couple came in and sat on the couch right across from me, in my own private little living room-style grouping of furniture. I didn't pay them any attention at all until I overheard the woman tell the man that she thought they should do cord-blood banking. Then I looked up to see that she was holding a pamphlet she had fished out of the plastic goodie-bag given by my OB-GYN to newly-pregnant women. Yay! In a waiting room that has no less than four little "living rooms," a pregnant woman had wandered into mine! And she wanted to discuss her pregnancy and impending baby with her partner endlessly.

I tried not to obsess about it, tried to force myself not to surreptitiously focus on them, but I couldn't concentrate on my book any more. I tried to convince myself that it must be their first baby, this all seemed so fresh and exciting to them. My new philosophy is that everyone* is entitled to a first baby.

It still made me want to scream.

I read about Infertility's Common Thread the other day. I like the idea of the bracelet, an identifying symbol for women who've suffered from infertility. I know that when I was pregnant, I wanted people to know it was hard won, not because that I felt it was a badge of honor (well, okay, maybe a little...) but because I didn't want other infertile women to fell I'd betrayed them. I mean, I was them. It's shallow, but if I knew that the woman that had sat across from me had struggled to conceive, I wouldn't have been so bitter. I could have felt a bit of solidarity, I think. Instead of my usual "why is it so fucking easy for everyone else?" (Get it? Fucking easy? Ha.)

So, I'm going to make my bracelet. And I'm going to wear it and explain to people what it means (well, okay, if they ask).

*Well, almost everyone. You know, crack whore and Republicans and the like are excluded.

Slaid Cleaves

The Hubster and I went to see Slaid Cleaves last night. It was by far the most fun I've had in a long time.

It was a casual sort of show at the local Club which attracts those indie artists and D-list musicians that I like so much. I've been there countless times, so I felt pretty good assuring The Hubster that it wouldn't be too crowded, that we didn't need to get tickets ahead of time or get there too early to get a table. I didn't think that that he'd be that big a draw in this area.

Boy was I wrong.

The place was jammed when we got there a half hour before show time (and only a half hour after the doors opened). We ended up standing. The crowd was a very diverse group, by age and appearance, but everyone was looking like they were anticipating a good show. No one looked like they were unfamiliar with Cleaves and had just wandered in to check him out.

Cleaves and his band were fantastic. First of all, I just love his voice. He started his set with some of his own choices, like "Flowered Dresses," but soon played only requests from the audience. He played "Breakfast in Hell," after commenting that they have a policy that they'll only play it if it's requested by three different people who all use the correct song title (I wonder what people call it? Maybe Sandy Gray?).

When "Lydia" was requested immediately after, he asked the crowd, "Do you all really want to hear two workplace disaster songs back to back?" (I was the girl who yelled "Yes!" at the top of her lungs from the back).

One song that they performed that I'd never heard and that doesn't appear anywhere on his discography was "He's Six." It was written by Cleaves' bassist Ivan Brown:

He's wild... He's six
He... pokes things with sticks.

I want a copy of it! But the link to it on the FAQ on Cleaves' site is broken.

iPod Nation

The Hubster and I have given in and joined the iPod cult. I gave him a black one for Father's Day and he gave me a white one as an early birthday gift (so I can take it on vacation with me).

My main motivation for getting an iPod was so that I could stop carrying my giant CD books around in my car. Together they hold about 450 CDs. You do the math. (No, YOU do the math!) 450 CDs x an average of $15 per CD = $6,750. Recently I've begin living in fear that my car would be broken into and my CDs stolen. Some of the stuff I have in there can't be replaced; it's weird, indie, out of print or bootleg stuff I've gotten from the oddest collection of sources (begging, borrowing and stealing).

So, it has taken weeks to rip our combined CD collection to MP3s on our hard drive. In fact, I'm still ripping CDs. The repetitive mouse-related movement of my right arm is aggravating my tendinitis. Yuck.

And I just spent hours, days really, getting my iPod ready to go. Importing the music into iTunes, making playlists, importing movies and photos. (Again, I'm not really done. I'm actually still tweaking all this).I have a little vent to make here. The iTunes store will match your CDs with album cover art, but this is far from an error-free process. What fucking idiot enters this stuff, that no one double checks?!

There are frequent errors. Most are simple misspellings or transcription errors where the title iTunes labels an album with isn't the same as the actual CD. And therefore, it won't match up to display on your iPod (unless you change yours to be wrong, too). Here are a few such errors:

• Randy Travis, Greates Hits, Vol. 2 (Really? His "Greates" hits? I don't have that one...)
  
• Refreshments, Fizzy Fuzzy Big and Buzzy (No “The” before Refreshments? Well, it is sort of small on the cover.)
• X, More Fun in the World (The album is actually called More Fun the New World.)

It hasn't convinced me of what people are always trying to: that Apple is the most brilliant of companies. Someone needs to smack that cute kid in the Mac commercials.

TWWaiting

Ah, the dreaded Two Week Wait; the fourteen days between ovulation and either a positive pregnancy test or the start of a new cycle .

Thanks to Prochieve (progesterone), I can experience many symptoms that could be construed as pregnancy symptoms, but are probably just side effects of the medicine. Tender, swollen, breasts. Nausea. Elevated basal body temperatures. Drowsiness. Delayed onset of my next period.

It's a good time. Um, yeah.

Was It All Worth It? (Tune in in three weeks and find out)

There's a lot going on that has made this a rough year, but I think the Clomid might push me over the edge.

I don't remember any emotional symptoms during the Clomid cycle when I conceived Monkeyboy. I don't think I felt emotional during the last cycle I just did. But last week, while on my days 3 -7 of Clomid, I was laid low by depression like I haven't been in six or seven years. So much so that The Hubster casually mentioned an article he just saw that said anti-depressants are okay to take while pregnant. Subtle. Very subtle.

I finished the Clomid two days ago and I'm now on my third day of estrogen. While I no longer feel like climbing into bed and never getting out, I'm bloated and crampy and still pretty irritated by life in general.

Add to this the stress of thinking this may all be for nothing.

Holy Hot Flashes, Batman!

Another giftie from Clomid this time around. I'll be glad when I move onto the next medication in the cycle.

I'm also not sleeping well, but I don't know if this is because of the meds or my depression.

Why I Like Mountain Biking Gloves Better Than Gardening Gloves

Because they have a little patch of terry cloth to wipe your sweaty forehead with.

Most. Boring. Summer. Ever.

After starting the summer self-medicating with caffeine and sugar, I've moved onto tequila. Hmmm. That sounds bad. It's not that bad. I'm not talking about shots or anything.

I'm just freakin' bored. I'm either really busy running around with a lot of stuff to do (none of which has really been all that entertaining) or else I'm sitting at home doing nothing. Well, not really nothing, but you know... nothin'. Nothing of interest, nothing to report...

I've been hanging out with the Monkey a lot -- obviously, as that sort of is my j-o-b in the summer. He's fun (most of the time). He's learning to talk so that's neat. He has a vocabulary of about fifty words, if you count animal sounds (he knows about fifteen of those). Sign language adds about ten or fifteen more words to his communication arsenal. But for the most part, he's not exactly intellectually stimulating company. The days when he's not at daycare and we hang out at home consist mostly of me reading a book while he swims in his baby pool (he's a daredevil with the little pool slide that's attached) or plays ball by himself. I think he finds me sort of boring, too, because on the days when I do drop him off at daycare, his face shows undisguised glee when he sees the other kids. Playing with kids your own age has to beat hanging out with your mom no matter what your age, I guess.

I'm not really that big of a slacker. I'm back to (trying to) garden, here where I have to try to fight off the encroaching woods and the plant-eating critters. It's overwhelming, though, which is why I haven't done much green-thumb-wise since we moved out here. I used to be able to do nerdy garden-girl things like tell you the Latin names for certain flowers and plants, so maybe I'll get into it again. If the deer don't get everything. I'm still running and working out, most days.

I'm not really that big of a slacker. I'm back to (trying to) garden, here where I have to try to fight off the encroaching woods and the plant-eating critters. It's overwhelming, though, because of the size of our property, the woods and everything, which is why I haven't done much green-thumb-wise since we moved out here. I used to be able to do nerdy garden-girl things like tell you the Latin names for certain flowers and plants, so maybe I'll get into it again. If the deer don't get everything. I'm still running and working out, most days. Sometimes the Monkeyboy and I take a little hike in the woods. Still haven't gotten him into the bike trailer, other than the inaugural journey, though. Probably because it's a lot of work for a minimum payoff.

Frieda and I were going to go see Antigone Rising next weekend, but as usual, she's broke so that's out. And we were going to go see Will Hoge tonight, but she's blowing me off for Bible Study (no comment). Slaid Cleaves is coming in July, but it so happens that a baby shower is scheduled for the same night. (What kind of asshole schedules a Friday night baby shower? My friend J-, that's who.) So, Frieda and I are on the fence as to whether we go to the shower or just send a gift but blow off the actual event and go have some fun. I bet Frieda bails on me again. Honestly, the next fun-ish thing on the horizon is vacation at the end of July, but I'm being reserved about that. It will either be a lot of fun, very relaxing, or will suck in a big way. I'm just going to have to wait and see.

So I've been reading. A lot. And playing on the internet. A lot. And watching more than my usual dose of TV. And banging my head repeatedly against the wall. Oh, wait... no I haven't. It just sometimes feels like I have been.

Firefly

I needed a change from my usual Northern Exposure episodes that I watch while I run on the treadmill, so I asked The Hubster to put Joss Whedon's single-season (canceled) TV show Firefly into his Netflix queue.

I'm addicted.

There's just something about the worlds created by Joss that draw me in. I was a late-comer to Buffy, maybe starting to watch around season three, but became a die hard fan almost immediately. Angel, of course, I jumped on as soon as it started, already being invested in Buffy as I was. I admit I did abandon Angel after a few seasons, but like so many others, returned once Buffy was canceled. (Actually, I returned before Buffy was canceled, because I wanted to watch all the cross-over episodes of the last season). I have stayed faithful to both through their current re-run schedules.

Firefly has drawn me in from the first episode. I love the snappy dialogue (although I have to watch it with the sub-titles on so I can catch it all over the drone of the treadmill).

It's bittersweet that there's only one season. On the one hand, there's no false promise of "more" and then a shocking and disappointing cancellation. But then, there's just no promise of more at all.

You know what Tom Petty says...

The waiting is the hardest part.

I started Clomid cycle #2. I hate TTC because everything about it is so slow. The whole month is an excruciating wait.

One Down, Two To Go

I had a fun conversation with my doctor today. In addition to discussing my not being pregnant, he told me that he'll only do three cycles of Clomid (so, two more) before he refers me to someone else. Which I can't afford.

I also am never going to be an award winning blogger, because I can't even remember to focus on the important details of the conversation in order to record them later, either for internet-posterity or my own personal medical file. For instance, after I hung up, I realized that he had told me what my day 26 progesterone was, but I can't remember what he said. It was fifty-something. That's all I can remember. I do know he said that meant it was ovulatory, and whereas I know that most docs like to see a 7dpo progesterone of at least 10 unmedicated and at least 20 medicated, what effect does the fact that I am taking supplemental progesterone have on this level? I would assume it would raise my blood progesterone level (otherwise it wouldn't seem to be doing its job). So, assuming that, does my blood progesterone level really tell us anything?

Big Freakin' Negative

I have a prescription for bloodwork to be done today to have my progesterone checked and a quantitative HCG done. Because I wanted to know the results of the pregnancy test before the doctor's office calls me (I'm not a fan of surprises), I took a home test this morning. I'm twelve days past ovulation. It was as white at the proverbial driven snow.

So now I'll be on to month two of Clomid, that is, once the doctor's office calls me and my period starts. I'm of two minds about this. Part of me is fine with it, because February would have been a little too early in the school year to have a baby (if I'm trying to plan it). I'd much rather have a baby in March, April or May. But part of me is stressed because Clomid didn't work (well, it may have "worked," but it didn't get me pregnant) and all the implications this has for future cycles. It would have been nice to have been done with all this TTC stuff and all the stress and obsessing that comes with it. I have three more shots this summer to achieve a Spring baby (and even trying during my September cycle means I'll have an EDD of mid-June which isn't too bad).

So I'm fine that it didn't work in terms of scheduling, but worried that since it didn't work this time, it might not work at all.

Summer Libation

So, the Hubster mixed me a new drink tonight. Or five. I found the recipe in his latest edition of Playboy. It's called a Paloma. I highly recommend it.

Two Week Wait

Depending on who you believe (Fertility Friend or TCOYF), I am either 4 or 5 DPO. Either way I am firmly in the Two Week Wait. When we were TTC the Monkey, I almost never tested. I think I tested one cycle because my temperature hadn't dropped by fourteen DPO and it should have (my period started later that day regardless of my temp not dropping). And I tested the cycle I got pregnant with the Monkey, because I didn't take my temp that weekend (or took it late or slept with my mouth open or something that made me think it was unreliable). In fact, I couldn't have been more shocked to see that faint second line appear on that test, 12 DPO.

But this cycle I am dying to test. It's that I had an HSG last cycle and then Clomid (etc) this cycle. We've followed our recipe exactly... you know, the recipe that got us pregnant last time. I've been searching the chart gallery on Fertility Friend, looking for charts like mine, or seeing how many charts had early BFPs. I have a prescription for a progesterone check and a quantitative beta to be done sometime CD 24-26, which is next Monday or Tuesday.

Lyrically Speaking

And I wonder when I sing along with you,
If everything could ever feel this real forever.
If anything could ever be this good again,
The only thing I'll ever ask of you.
You gotta promise not to stop when I say when.
She sang.

-- Foo Fighters, "Everlong," The Colour and The Shape (1997)

Prepare for blast-off

Right now I'm just waiting for my period to start; what we in the "trying to conceive" slice of the public call CD1 (cycle day one). As I write, my prescriptions are being filled so I can start Clomid on CD3.

I don't remember any dramatic side effects from the last time I took it. I've read many ancedotal stories and forum posts about how moody it has made other women, but I don't recall that I experienced any mood swings. Although, I'm a little more concerned this time. As we get nearer the end of the school year, I'm already in a foul mood.

Lyrically Speaking

So boy while you chip in some understanding, I'll make a deal with my mess
And cleaning up what I wanna be saying is my first big step
When I close my eyes and everything I run into
Is stubbing me with bruises of memories of you

-- Aslyn, "Gotta Get Over You," Lemon Love (2005)

All Clear!

Two important facts:

1. The HSG was not as bad as last time. In fact, the doc (I still need to come up with a good pseudonym for him) kept asking me to rate my level of discomfort/pain on the 0 to 10; I never got above a 2. (Okay, I got to 3 for about 15 seconds, but it passed).
2. My tubes are all clear and ready to go.

An interesting side note is that, although I believed that it was BS that your uterus returned to its pre-pregnancy size after birth, and even though the doctor told me it had done that I still didn't believe him, it's true. I saw it myself on the monitor and everything looked the exactly the same as it did two years ago.

In Training for the Boston Marathon

No, not really. But wouldn't that be cool?

What I am doing is running, three to four times a week, on the treadmill in my home gym while watching DVDs of Northern Exposure.

There's a phenomenon that makes it feel 20 degrees warmer than it really is when you run. (Or actually, that you should dress as if it is 20 degrees warmer because you warm up as you run). That means that even though our basement is usually about 62 degrees, we still have a ceiling fan and two tower fans in the gym. I've actually seen the room temperature climb (we have an atomic clock with a digital thermometer) by several degrees as I run. I know the human body generates heat, but it still surprised me.

You down with HSG? (Yeah, you know me.)*

I thought I was going to get out easy. Over the winter, I had a couple of courses of bloodwork to evaluate my LH, FSH, etc., levels. The Physician's Assistant (who I love -- she's a fast talker like me) confirmed what I already thought, things just weren't up to snuff and next time we TTC'd, I'd use Clomid again.

Last Thursday was my appointment to see if the doctor (or PA, as it were) wanted to do more bloodwork before I start Clomid again in June. She outlined the steps that the office usually follows with early infertility intervention (since I went through my last round of treatment with my old doctor). After the usual early steps of charting, semen analysis, etc., there it was... step two... an HSG.

"I had one of those in February of 2005," I told her, pointing at the list of steps on her paper. She wrote 2/05 next to it.

"Well, the next step is Clomid, which we'll be doing anyway, but let me check with the doctor and see if he might want to do another HSG. He might, especially since you've had a couple of infections."** She left the room to grab him between patients and see what he wanted to do. I knew I was fucked.

While it was not the most horrible or painful experience of my life (I mean, I have given birth), my previous HSG would certainly qualify as unpleasant. In fact, after my amnio, when the Hubster asked, "How was it?" as we left the office (although he was there, he knows I'm pretty stoic and wanted the real assessment), my response was: "I'd have five amnios before I'd have another HSG." So, I think that the fact that I'd rather have a seven inch needle stuck into my uterus through my abdomen than have a catheter stuck up through my cervix and x-ray contrast flooded through my reproductive parts is a clear indication of which procedure I found more painful.

We all now how this story ends. I'm scheduled for a second HSG this Thursday.


*My apologies to Naughty By Nature.
** In addition to a current BV infection (symptom-free, so I didn't know I had it), there's the BV infection (also symptom-free) that led to Monkeyboy's early arrival in the world.

Here we go

Thursday is my appointment with my doctor (ok, with the physician's assistant), to see about starting Clomid, et al, with my June cycle.

Lazy Mix CD

I haven't made myself a good mix CD in a while, partly because I'm too lazy to sit down and devote the time to do it (and partly because my computer is giving me some real problems).

But a 6-CD changer in the car means I can do my own lazy-mix by switching between them as I drive to work. My drive is long enough to listen to about 6 to 8 songs. This week's mix went as follows:

CD 2; Track 5: "Ain't No Love," Aslyn, Lemon Love.
CD 2; Track 6 "You Got Me," Aslyn, Lemon Love
CD 3; Track 1: "Bona Fide," The Clarks, Between Now and Then
CD 1; Track 6: "Los Angeles is Burning," Bad Religion, The Empire Strikes First
CD 4; Track 3: "Big Me," Foo Fighters, Foo Fighters
CD 5; Track 8: "Where the Boat Leaves From," Zac Brown Band, The Rock Boat VII CD 1
CD 6; Track 16: "Time to Go," Scott Blasey, The Rock Boat VII CD 2

Running Woman

I fell off the exercise wagon last month while caring for a sick child (three days spent on the couch doing nothing but cuddling, watching Jack's Big Music Show and administering Pedialyte one teaspoon at a time). As of April, I had to start over with my goal of no less than three days a week.

It's helped that I finally figured out how to program the treadmill so I don't have to adjust speed and incline throughout my run.

I'm following the graduated program in one of The Hubster's books, where the ratio of walking to running is adjusted up each week, until you're running for 30 minutes (or should that be stated, the ratio of running to walking?). It also focuses on running for time, not distance, at the beginning of the program. It's what I've always used to get back to running and it works well for me.

Here's hoping I'm back to running 30-45 a day minutes by the beginning of summer.

Back in the Saddle

I have an appointment scheduled for the end of the month to start the baby-making #2 process. Well, the official medical-intervention part of the process. I think using no birth control for the last year almost indicates that at least the potential for baby-making has already been underway.

Bored Now.

I'm feeling restless again, but don't know what to do about it. Usually when I get this way, a good solution is to pick up some new music. However, I've bought or been given so much new music recently that I can't listen to it all. Some of it seems neglected and that makes me feel guilty.

Recent Purchases:

• Tails -- Lisa Loeb and Nine Stories
• Fireracker -- Lisa Loeb
• It's a Shame About Ray -- The Lemonheads

Recent CDs sent my way (all courtesy of Beamer, thanks!):

• Social Distortion -- Social Distortion (I requested this)
• White Light, White Heat, White Trash -- Social Distortion (also part of the SD request)
• Sex, Love and Rock N' Roll -- Social Distortion (ditto)
  
• Cheating at Solitaire -- Mike Ness (solo CD of Social Distortion's guitar player, sent to accompany the SD CDs)
• The Empire Strikes First -- Bad Religion (sent because I liked the SD and Mike Ness so much)
• Indestructible -- Rancid (Because I liked the Bad Religion so much we bought Warped Tour tickets!)
• ...And Out Come the Wolves -- Rancid

Also, I don't want to buy too much music right now because there's a lot of new stuff to be released soon that I'll be buying:

• New Scott Blasey (next week)
• New Bad Religion (July)
• New Antigone Rising (July?)

What she said

"She says the sex is dynamite... One of the three legs that hold up Love's stool: sex, liking his brain, then kind of accepting who he is 'cause you're never going to change him anyway."
-- Shelly Tambo, Northern Exposure, "My Mother, My Sister"

Lullabies

This morning I decided it was time to put the Bad Religion CD away and turn off the punk station for a while. I finally got the Lisa Loeb CDs I ordered from Half.com and thought that I should give them a listen.

Also, last night I was searching my mind for songs that I a) knew all the words to, b) could actually sing (I have no skills and no range), and c) hadn't sung a thousand times already for the night time post-tooth-brushing "rocking and two songs" routine that is the Monkey's bedtime ritual. I was having a hard time coming up with anything, because I haven't been listening to anything even remotely ballad-like recently. (And if I have to sing the same old stuff a thousand more times, I'm going to scream).

I almost busted out "Last Call," because since I heard it last weekend and I hadn't in a while, it's been about the only non-punk thing running through my mind (and I know all the words). That would have made a nice lullaby, huh? Anyway, I settled for the part of Dar William's "The Christians and the Pagans" that I could remember, then fell back on the old standby "The Train They Call the City of New Orleans." (That's what my Dad used to sing to me. We're a weird family, huh?)

Quote of the Month

From the book Matilda Bone, which I'm reading with my World Cultures class:

"Spring was but a promise, but a promise was better than winter."

Yeah. That.

The Sirius punk station is back to being punk. Yay! (This is after it was taken over for the past several months to be The Who station, I guess cause Sirius is one of the sponsors of their tour. I don't have anything against The Who, I just don't think they deserve a whole station to themselves). I'm glad the punk station is back. It wakes me up on my morning commute.

The Tudors

Showtime is coming out with a new series, called The Tudors. It starts Sunday. (Filling in the 10 p.m. time slot since The L Word's season just ended, which I also watch.) I'm rather excited, since I studied Tudor England in grad school. It was my thing. The series is about young Henry VIII (he was tall, thin, strong and 16th-century-hot). When it comes to the Tudors, I'm more of a Henry VIII-girl than a Queen Elizabeth I-girl, so of course I'm excited and hoping that it's done well. It looks sort of soap-opera-y, but that's okay, his life was kind of soapy. Married six times, killed two of them... sounds like Dynasty to me.

Cell Phones

I just read a report that cell phone use while driving is considered to be more dangerous than driving drunk. I know talking on cell phones impairs your response time, but more dangerous? Really?

The one issue I have with this study is that their "drunk" drivers matched the legal limit of 0.08%. My thought on this is how many drunk drivers have had only one or two drinks? While, yes, at or above 0.08 is legally drunk, for the average person at that level they've just arrived at drunk. That's why it's the lower limit of drunk/upper limit of sober. I wonder how drunk drivers would fare as their blood-alcohol content increases.

This isn't to defend driving with a cell phone. It's obviously dangerous.

What I mean is that "driving with a cell phone" is a finite status. (You are or you aren't. You can't be talking on the phone to a greater degree than someone else who is also talking on the phone). Driving drunk has degrees. You can have a blood-alcohol content of 0.08% or one of 0.2% and function very differently. Comparing cell phones and drinking is apples and oranges.

My point is I'd argue that someone with a higher blood alcohol content would be more dangerous that a cell phone operator.

A Mapley Street

The other day the opening lines of "Talk of the Town" were running through my head:

We grew up not far from here
An oaky street, the country air
Porch lights, breezy nights
Dreamin’ dreams of that girl so right

The lyrics are so evocative of my own childhood except for the fact that my street was lined with maple trees instead of oaks (and for the part about dreaming of the perfect girl). The images and memories conjured by this song always makes me think of summertime sleepovers, bikes with banana seats, and running around after dark in a safe neighborhood where I knew everybody.

Things have changed. The maple trees that once lined the streets of the neighborhood where I grew up have succumed to their 80-year lifespan. They're all gone now. The first few fell down on their own and the rest were subsequently removed, lest they fall too and crush someone. But more than that has changed in the years since I grew up. No parent I know today would allow their child or pre-teen to roam their neighborhood after dark at will, unchecked. It's not that the world is a scarier place than it was back then, it's that we are unhappily more aware that it can be scary (thank you, media fear-mongers).

I don't know what my point is. Maybe just that I miss the ignorant security of my childhood. Or my sweet green bike with the banana seat, the white wicker basket and the tassels on the handlebars.

Fact of the Day

I hate being cold, just about more than anything. Cold is beyond merely uncomfortable, it's painful.

Hi, I'm Jen and I'm a Half.com addict...

I can't stop. Books and CDs both.

One of my favorite things to do is browse the $2.99 or less CDs. However, the problem with those is that I already have most of the good stuff available. That's the reason the good stuff is there: everyone has it already. The other stuff is there because it often doesn't qualify as "good" and no one wants it. But every once in a while, you find a gem.

With regards to books, I usually have something in mind that I'm lookig for. It's harder to browse for books, I think, because I like to flip through them, read the back, etc. Music is easier on Half because I have a huge laundry list of stuff I know I want, stuff I need to flesh out my collection, stuff I've heard of but don't want to spend a lot of money on to try.

I could go and find something right now to buy. It's that easy. There's that much stuff. One search leads to another: Hmmm.... What Bad Religion do they have? (I really need a copy of Suffer). Oh, what about L7? I've been planning on getting some. And some more Squirrel Nut Zippers, the one with "Hell" on it. Or some of the older Jimmy Buffett that I don't have? And I still want to pick up Richard Shindell's The Courier or Elvis Costello's Your Aim is True if I can get either for a good (cheap) price. Oh, and Rubber Soul. I love "In My Life," so I want a copy.

I have to stay away from that site. It's too easy to get sucked into spending $25 bucks without a second thought.

Need... more... Foo Fighters...

"I Love Kung Fu"

The conference I just went to on Tuesday and Wednesday was boooooring. It's a good thing we got a good, free curriculum from them, because otherwise it would have been a waste. The night before, I had mentioned to Frieda that there was a website with quotes from Office Space.

She and I spent a good part of the day texting quotes (and other conversation), which made my day more interesting. Last night she told me she had sent me 65 texts that day.

Currently Reading

A re-read of one of my faves, a novel that's sort of a science fiction/comedy of errors combo: Bellwether by Connie Willis.

Back at it

I am trying to commit to a work out schedule to get ready for the summer bike season. Since the baby, it's been sort of hit-or-miss. I might be dedicated for a period of weeks and then just... stop. Adding to the challenge is that my elbow -- I think it's tendonitis -- is still bothering me. I probably do need to make an appointment with my orthopedist, but I've been putting it off. I think it's going to be like the carpal tunnel/ulnar neuropathy of my pregnancy: there was nothing that would be done. I really think he'll just tell me to rest it. Hard to do when there's a 25-pound sack of potatoes that needs to be picked up all the time.

So instead of lifting, I have to contend myself with walking/running on the treadmill. And as the weather gets better and I get my gear in order, I'm hoping to be able to hit the bike trail. That means I need to get the Monkey a helmet and hope that he'll tolerate riding in a bike trailer. Again, the skeptic in me surfaces: Somehow I doubt it.

But I've decided that since this whole return to fitness thing essentially coincided with the beginning of the month (actually, the day before), the goal is to do work out in some fashion three days a week minimum. If I do that for at least a month, I can buy myself this poster for my gym that I've been wanting for a while now. I've been wanting to get it since I was really into lifting about three years ago.

I already have the "Growing Old is Not for Sissies" posters. This will complete the gym "art," except for maybe a few mirrors at some point.

What I'm listening to now

In my CD player:

• Aslyn -- Lemon Love
• Social Distortion -- Social Distortion
• Zac Brown Band -- Home Grown
• Will Hoge -- Black Bird on a Wire
• Garbage -- Bleed Like Me
• (For the life of me, I can't remember what's in the sixth slot in the CD changer in my car. So I guess that doesn't really count as listening to it, anyway, huh?)

Two questions (both rhetorical)

Last weekend, while shopping at Half Price Books, I lost an earring. I've called them and they have it, so now I have to get myself back up there this weekend to pick it up. It's the same sort-of-dangling earring I wore on The Rock Boat, it just kind of hooks on, doesn't clip closed or have a back or anything. Here's my question: How is it that I did not lose the same earring in four days on a cruise ship, through rough seas, drinking and all sorts of shenanigans (I love that word) but I lose it while shopping for books on dry land?!

Second question. On Superbowl Sunday I was at my sister-in-law's and she had a big bowl of peanut M & M's out. Now, know this: I don't like nuts, but I do like crunchy peanut butter (just another of my many quirks). But, I wanted some chocolate and that was all there was. So, I thought, Well, I like crunchy peanut butter, how different can peanut M & M's be? Probably sort of like crunchy peanut butter with a coating of chocolate. So, I tried one. And a few more. And I decided that I actually like peanut M & M's. A lot. Now I am craving them. So my question is: How does a person go thirty-some years before discovering that they like peanut M & M's? How crazy is that?

Snow Days

In the past two weeks, we've had four days off from school and three two-hour delays due to weather. The end result of this is that we now have no scheduled days off between now and the end of the school year, which mercifully comes on May 31 this year.

That's fifteen straight weeks without a break of any sort.

Early Spring

Groundhog Day is my favorite holiday. I am firmly a Punxsutawney Phil fan. I stand by him. It's like the Tammy Wynette song, except in this case "my man" is a groundhog.

But I can't help but be discouraged by the past few days weather, including the fact that school was canceled Monday and Tuesday due to extreme cold and a wind-chill advisory. Still, I'm keeping my fingers crossed. Things could turn around. I'm counting on it.

I always knew I was dysfunctional

The diagnosis was not PCOS; it was ovarian dysfuntion. Which is an anti-climax. It's not news, that's for sure. It just means Clomid again next time, which I already figured.